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Gossip Girl Has to Be Cruel to Be Queen

After the rude interruption that was the Lily origin story, we were happy to have our favorite Upper East Siders all to ourselves for last week’s seasons finale, and so were you. This week, commenter VanderVander selects his favorite comments from last week’s recap of the season finale of Gossip Girl. Thanks to all who offered to do this very special, unpaid duty — we can’t wait to bug you about doing it next season!

To recap: In last week’s season finale, Dan had accepted being sent to a “glorified state school” without complaint, despite the near impossibility of getting decent financial aid from NYU. (Somehow, his half-brother already knew about this turn of events, and tracked him down in the campus coffee shop, where he eyed him with a perturbing gay stare.) Nate, on assignment from the only cast member with prettier hair than his own, embraced the task of discovering Gossip Girl’s identity with equal parts fervor and idiocy, but ultimately failed. Blair passed on the Constance-Billard queenship baton (or rather, the jewel-encrusted headband) to Little J, who immediately became drunk with power and mandated the abolishment of the headbandanistas in favor of raccoon eyeliner. Chuck got over Blair’s dalliance with his rapey uncle with lightning speed and dropped the three words, eight letters that we all wanted — nay, needed — to hear. Serena fought irrelevance, and made perhaps the most unrealistic purchase of the season by buying every high-school student in upper Manhattan free drinks.

Now, the best of your comments!

Nate – class whore +2
Dan – ultimate insider +1
Chuck – coward +1
Blair – weakling +1
Serena – irrelevant +2

They forgot to put Dan’s name in the program? Even adults think he is a loser, +3

No elite private school would ever wear rented caps and gowns in hideous jewel tones. Graduation attire is crested blazers for boys and white dresses for girls. Minus 50.

-10 for jonathan not being gossip girl. that would have been AWESOME

Dan: Where’s Poppy?
Georgina: You don’t have to worry about Poppy anymore.
Was anyone else expecting the camera to pull back to reveal Poppy gagged, tied by the feet and hanging over some sort of fire with her horrible pixie hair hacked off? Just me? -10 for not going there.

They’re a team!” Oh Nate, you’re so simple. We love you for it. +3 for making lol.

Dan’s best suit would be brown. You know who else wears a brown suit? Hagrid. Plus 3.

B- “Like you didn’t do that with the dregs of Dumbo!”
V- “I’m standing RIGHT here”
+50 for Blair not replying.

-10 for Dan going to NYU all of a sudden. Didn’t he get into Yale early? Isn’t that BINDING? And has anyone ever heard of a FAFSA? Plus, how in hell has Rufus been able to afford private school for two kids but not college? St. Jude’s has to be at least 30K a year, it’s not a huge leap to undergrad tuition.

Scott looks like a sleazebag. So between Rufus’s greasy hair and Lily’s sluttiness from her youth, I think he’s a pretty spot on spawn. +1

Of course Chuck Bass would graduate despite not attending high school for most of the school year and no one would question it. Plus 5

+5 for Nate’s grandfather’s line “welcome to washington, my boy!,” for a WASPier thing has never been said.

That kid that Lily gave up for adoption and Rufus didn’t even know about. He was sitting there looking at a newspaper article saying that Lily and Rufus are getting married. So, if he knows ANYTHING about them being his parents and now, 20 years after they gave him up, sees that they are all of a sudden marrying each other. That has to be like the biggest WTF ever.

When Blair says she wants to talk Chuck immediately assumes lap dance position on the sofa. +3 for consistency

PLUS 20 for Georgina going to Gallatin. Someone recently graduated with a degree in “Evil.” Writers take note.

So Serena is going to get kicked out of Brown for something i.e being a coke snorting slut and therefore will “have to” go to NYU and thus all our characters will be back where they belong….right???

Gossip Girl Has to Be Cruel to Be Queen