In an article to be published in tomorrow’s Times, we learn that American Hero Michael Phelps is basically Rain Man. That is, he can swim and do so better than anybody else in the world, but the minute he ventures off the track carefully delineated by his mother, Debbie, and his coach, Bob Bowman, he’ll spiral about in confusion and go on a destructive rampage. “He missed some experiences that other people had,” Bowman told the paper. “I guess the question is, what do we do after that? And I think that’s what he’s working on now, expanding his horizons beyond swimming.” So what is he taking up now? You know, other than bongs and double bongs? Well, golf, as it turns out. Because otherwise he won’t succeed as the businessman he’s going to try to become after the 2012 Olympics, for which he is already in training. “He can play golf with the C.E.O. of every company in America probably,” Bowman said. “He can interact with people. I think it’s great.” May we also suggest that he could also one day do Dancing With the Stars? Because apparently he needs to be treated like a monkey, and isn’t that what handlers make monkeys do? Dance?