why they hate us

Toilets of Terror

Last Wednesday during the Mets game, a patron at Citi Field dropped her gold tooth in one of the stadium’s toilets and reached in for it, only to get her arm completely stuck. She tried to jiggle it free, but found herself lodged even deeper within the toilet tunnel, and began screaming for help as the toilet flushed repeatedly over her arm. This hellish scenario went on until, eventually, she was freed by stadium security guards and emergency medical personnel, though her tooth, it seems, was not so lucky and was lost forever. Inspired by this harrowing story, the Post did some research and, as it turns out, this is not the first time a toilet has attacked. The toilet has a troublesome history, indeed.

People have probably been getting their hands stuck in toilets as long as there have been toilets,” the paper was told by a noted toilet scholar. For instance:

In 2003, 41-year-old Edwin Gallart dropped his phone in the toilet on a rush-hour Metro-North train, and went in after it. Railroad employees could not pry his arm loose, and it took an army of emergency personnel 90 minutes, using Jaws of Life rescue equipment, to free Gallart and his phone.

In retrospect, that these incidents occur is not all that surprising. Think about it: We go about our days ignoring toilets except when we need them. Then we put our most disgusting stuff in them and just go, like, “Take it away, toilet,” whereupon the toilets somehow magically whisk away said stuff to a faraway land that we would never, ever go to ourselves, in part because we think it is disgusting but also because we don’t even know where it is. Nor do we have any desire to learn, because the toilet does all that work for us. This is how we treat them! Then we touch them and say “Ew.” Of course they’re bound to try and strike back every once in a while.


Toilets of Terror