As somehow first revealed by IrishCentral.com and confirmed by ABC News, some of the world’s richest billionaires including Oprah, Mayor Bloomberg, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffett held a secret meeting in New York earlier this month to discuss philanthropy. Imagine, all that wealth concentrated in one room. What went on in there? What was discussed? Luckily, Daily Intel has been tight with one of the attendees ever since we held off on running some compromising photos of him. In gratitude, and because we blackmailed him, he provided us with a transcript of a recording he made of the meeting.
Bill Gates: Everyone. Hey everybody. Hey! Come on, take your seats.
Ted Turner: Who put you in charge?
Bill Gates: Hey, I’m the richest man alive, okay?
[Ted Turner mutters under his breath]
Bill Gates: What was that?
Ted Turner: Oh, uh, I asked how Melinda was doing.
Warren Buffett: Hold on, we’re still missing someone.
[Oprah enters hurriedly]
George Soros: [Whispering, awestruck] Oh my God, is that Oprah?
Oprah: Sorry I’m late, guys, I had to drop Gayle off in St. Croix.
David Rockefeller: How did you do that?
Oprah: Oh, well, in my personal sub-orbital spacecraft.
David Rockefeller: Oh, ha, right, of course.
Warren Buffett: You do have one, don’t you, David?
David Rockefeller: Well … not at the moment, exactly.
[Everyone erupts in uproarious laughter. Rockefeller solemnly lowers his head in shame]
Bill Gates: All right, all right. [Still chuckling a little] That’s enough. Heh. Okay. Let’s get started.
George Soros: [Excitedly] I just loved The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, Oprah. Thank you so much for recommending it.
[Everyone looks at Soros]
Bill Gates: Okay, anyway, as you know, we’re all meeting here today to discuss how to coordinate our vast philanthropic efforts. I, for one, think we can finally put an end to most tropical diseases.
Peter Peterson: Heh, you’re not going to unleash a swarm of mosquitoes on us now, are you, Gates? Ha-ha.
Bill Gates: No … not mosquitoes.
Ted Turner: What kind of loony name is Peter Peterson, anyway?
Peter Peterson: It was my parents’ idea.
Ted Turner: Are they still around?
Peter Peterson: In a way. I’ve had them frozen in carbonite like Han Solo.
Ted Turner: Oh.
Bill Gates: Focus, people! Mike, where have you directed your money lately?
Mayor Bloomberg: Well, my campaign mostly. What? It’s important!
Oprah: I think we should redouble our efforts to educate the children of the world.
George Soros: That’s a great idea, Oprah! A fantastic idea!
Warren Buffett: Calm down, George.
Eli Broad: I agree. We could improve the futures of so many children, ensuring a brighter tomorrow for our planet.
[Murmurs of agreement]
Ted Turner: I have another idea, something that’s been bothering me recently that I think we can really have an impact on in a big way.
Mayor Bloomberg: Oh, do tell, Ted.
Ted Turner: Well, I’ve noticed that whenever I buy clothes, I find it hard to tell how much an item is going to shrink in the wash. And it makes it difficult to know whether I should buy something that fits perfectly in the store or something slightly larger. But how much larger? It’s impossible to know, you know? And I think if we made it mandatory that all the clothes in the world had to be preshrunk, then it would make shopping much easier and more enjoyable.
[Stunned silence fills the room]
Bill Gates: All right, why don’t we go with the education thing.