terrible optics

Adorable Teddy Bears Likely to Be Secretly Evil

We don’t want to alarm anyone, but we may have a Situation. Here in our dusty Intel cubicle we’ve been going through the papers, consuming large amounts of coffee, and we’ve come across a sequence of events that has convinced us if we don’t act quickly we could all face doom.

Event 1: Earlier this year, a Connecticut man named Peter Greenwood was charged with running a Ponzi scheme that defrauded charities and other institutions of hundreds of millions of dollars. Later found in his possession? A collection of Steiff teddy bears.

Event 2: The New York Post reports that the CEO of Steiff teddy bears has been charged with rape by a departing employee. The employee, one Jane Collins, tells the Post: “I adore the company’s line of teddy bears.”

As any logical person who has seen Karen Black’s Trilogy of Terror or any one of the Chucky movies will recognize, these events prove one thing: These teddy bears are evil. Somehow, they have obtained the ability to possess their owners’ minds and encourage them to commit terrible acts. And that quote about not blaming them? Sinister, if you ask us. Quick, everyone! We must destroy these bears! Before they destroy us.


Adorable Teddy Bears Likely to Be Secretly Evil