21 questions

David Cross Happily Goads Crusty Punks Who Beg Him for Money

Name: David Marie Cross
Age: 45
Neighborhood: East Village
Occupation: Bon Vivant [Cross is performing at the 92Y Tribeca tomorrow, July 30, as part of their Comedy Below Canal series]

Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?

What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
Come on! I can’t narrow it down to even best 100! Maybe Fette Sau just because I was jonesing for some good BBQ at the time.

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Observe and report.

Would you still live here on a $35,000 salary?
If I was in my twenties, yes. Now, probably not.

What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
I walked out of Exit the King during intermission. I had never done that before. What a piece of shit. It was everything people think of when they say they hate plays.

Do you give money to panhandlers?
If they look incapacitated physically or truly down on their luck for reasons they couldn’t control. I happily goad the crusty punks who beg me for money, gleefully telling them that I will never give them a penny. I’m not gonna subsidize their irresponsibility. Fuck that.

What’s your drink?

How often do you prepare your own meals?
Probably about 30 percent of the time. Does opening a jar of peanut butter and a bag of pretzels and a bottle of red wine count? Then, 90 percent of the time.

What’s your favorite medication?

What’s hanging above your sofa?
A painting of Michael Jackson being honored in the Rose Garden with Ronald and Nancy Reagan by his side.

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
For me? One dollar.

When’s bedtime?
Somewhere in the 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. range. Unless I’m working — then it’s more like 11 p.m.

Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
Well, I’m happy tourists have a safe place to go buy their NYC M&M’s, but I prefer the old one. Many stories ago I used to haunt the old Times Square when I was in my teens/early twenties. That’s where I lost my virginity!

What do you think of Donald Trump?
The embodiment of American ideals (for good or bad).

What do you hate most about living in New York?
The smell in Chinatown in the summer. Outside of that, everything’s pretty great.

Who is your mortal enemy?
Gavin McInnes.

When’s the last time you drove a car?
Last week. What kind of question is that? Who gives a shit?

How has the Wall Street crash affected you?
I had to put a hold on purchasing those 24-karat-gold insteps I wanted for my sneakers.

Times, Post, or Daily News?
None of the above. The Interwebs!! The Times is increasingly a joke, the Post has always been a joke, and the Daily News is for sports.

Where do you go to be alone?
I ride my bike and invariably find myself at the water. I’ll stare at it for a while and then ride around some more. The key is to keep moving.

What makes someone a New Yorker?
When you order a “Big New Yorker” Pizza from Domino’s!! That’s the true mark of a REAL New Yorker!!!

David Cross Happily Goads Crusty Punks Who Beg Him for Money