Bethenny Frankel Would Rather Staple Her Eyelids Shut Than Watch Gwyneth Cook

’Tis the season to be swanning about the Hamptons! But just in case you’re not, here’s our weekly wrap-up of what you missed this weekend.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s private plane made an emergency landing in Vegas en route to New York from Los Angeles, but an unperturbed Kutcher and Moore made it to Lily Pond and the Hamptons magazine party, respectively. Authors Candace Bushnell, Nelson DeMille, Jay McInerney, and others were celebrated by Alec Baldwin, Barbara Walters, and Rudy and Judi Giuliani at the East Hampton Library benefit book party. Bethenny Frankel said she would rather “staple [her] eyelids shut than watch Gwyneth cook,” referring to Paltrow’s recent foray into fowl at the launch of her bottled Skinnygirl Margaritas in Montauk. Someone glued army action figures, bologna slices, and a box of Lucky Charms to a Mercedes in East Hampton. Jules?

Various Real Housewives swarmed Bridgehampton Polo, as per usual, along with Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin. And (according to tweets) the Sham Wow guy. Andy Warhol’s Michael Jackson piece, which has been on display at East Hampton’s Vered Gallery, just moved to London’s Millennium Dome and will then be heading to L.A. for an appearance on Access Hollywood. Beth and Howard Stern hosted a benefit for the Wildlife Rescue Center, with celebrity guests including Beauty the Red-Tailed Hawk, Meep the Great Horned Owl, and Marcy the Possum. Michael J. Fox read from his new book, Always Looking Up, at the Quogue Library. “To me, the Hamptons has always been about finding the calm in the chaos of our lives,” says Donna Karan, whose work is featured in “The Art of Fashion in the Hamptons,” a show curated by Town & Country’s Pamela Fiori and designer Stan Herman at East Hamptons Guild Hall.

While most East End businesses have seen the effects of the economy (at Nick & Toni’s, for example, “diners are shying away from $300 bottles of Bordeaux they once preferred and spending $50 or so on wine”), Hampton Luxury Liner is doing so well that it just ordered three more buses. Madame Tong’s is still trying to stay afloat, this time by hosting the Southampton Inn’s Summer Brunch Party. Madness broke out among Montauk Citizens Advisory Committee members when small-business owners suggested sidestepping town regulations on sidewalk dining. East Hampton Town Councilman Pete Hammerle stood up mid-meeting, exclaiming, “I’m leaving. I’ve had enough. You guys are not law enforcement.” And burn- and itch-inducing red jellyfish descended on Sag Harbor, afflicting the comfortable.

Bethenny Frankel Would Rather Staple Her Eyelids Shut Than Watch Gwyneth Cook