Name: Kumail Nanjiani
Age: 31
Neighborhood: Bushwick
Occupation: Comedian; he’s performing at Comix on Tuesday, August 11.
Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Batman, duh.
What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
I love, love, love the street-cart food. Gyros are like a meat-flavored fruit roll-up. A meat roll-up.
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Try to think of funny stuff, then try to convince other people that it’s funny.
Would you still live here on a $35,000 salary?
Wait, am I getting a raise? Yes!
What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
My mom watched Lion King recently. That’s the closest I’ve been …
Do you give money to panhandlers?
I have a formula I use to determine that on a case-by-case basis.
What’s your drink?
Virgin piña coladas.
How often do you prepare your own meals?
Try to every day. But sometimes, I’ll be walking by a street cart and an actual animated wavy scent line will turn into a hand and beckon me toward gyros …
What’s your favorite medication?
NyQuil.
What’s hanging above your sofa?
An Annie Hall poster. How New York!
How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
No more than $20. I get a haircut once every four months, so I spend about $5 a month on haircuts. How New York!
When’s bedtime?
Around 2 a.m. Depends on how late my shows go. And how well I am doing at Street Fighter 4 that night. If I’m in the zone, I transcend time. By that, I mean I go to bed really late.
Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
Haven’t seen the old one, really hate the new one. Except for those guys that make that airbrushed space stuff with multiple moons and Venuses. Need more of that!
What do you think of Donald Trump?
I don’t, ever.
What do you hate most about living in New York?
Rats, bugs, garbage on the streets, alternate-side street parking.
Who is your mortal enemy?
This cab driver punched my window once. He is my mortal enemy.
When’s the last time you drove a car?
Today.
How has the Wall Street crash affected you?
Hasn’t really.
Times, Post, or Daily News?
Internet.
Where do you go to be alone?
I stay home. It’s the best place to be alone. There is hardly any walk-through traffic.
What makes someone a New Yorker?
Never having to convince someone you’re a New Yorker. People just know …
