Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis Are Going to Get It On

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr canoodled at the Kings of Leon concert in L.A., along with Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes, who wore the exact same outfit as LeAnn Rimes. Rimes was also questioned by the LAPD for a misdemeanor hit-and-run. Shockingly, Jay-Z’s getting off easy: Croatian authorities are not bringing charges against his bodyguard, who assaulted a photographer. They say he was just protecting fair Béyoncé. Mischa Barton appeared to be psychologically sound at the Tribeca Grand Hotel. Bill Clinton’s Harlem offices are infested with bedbugs. Marc Jacobs’s ex has been tweeting his sorrows to Courtney Love over Jacobs’s recent engagement to Lorenzo Martone. And Anna Paquin doesn’t mind baring all for her True Blood scenes in the buff, telling Nylon, “It’s like, I’m sorry, maybe there are a lot of women who keep their bras on while they have sex … I don’t happen to be one of them. I don’t think the naked body is particularly shocking or interesting.” Paquin also reports that she is not pregnant, even though everyone thought she was because she wore a baggy dress one day last week. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis will be getting it on in the upcoming flick Black Swan, much to the delight of young males everywhere.

Lindsay Lohan’s house was burglarized, and Michael Lohan rushed to chat with TMZ about it. Ever the muse, Katie Holmes inspired a new line of uniforms for the Church of Scientology. Milla Jovovich and director Paul Anderson tied the knot at their Beverly Hills home on Saturday. Emma Roberts likes to give her boyfriend hickeys, and he showed them off at Rock of Ages the other night. Broadway producers cut a scene from the “Bye Bye Birdie” revival because “it seemed a little too gang rape-y.” Michael Jackson had two secret e-mail accounts that he used to buy drugs. And Stephenie Meyer is getting sued for plagiarism by the author of an obscure teen-vampire drama, The Nocturne, written in 2003.

After buying their current London home from Kate Winslet, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are expanding their house to 33 rooms, because 32 would be entirely too cramped, what with all those chickens to debone and all. Sarah Ferguson is chilling with her ex, Prince Andrew, in a secluded Spanish mansion for the weekend, while their kids hang out with Sir Richard Branson in the Caribbean. Judith Giuliani has a better golf handicap than Rudy. To promote his upcoming flick, Denzel Washington conducted a train in Tokyo. Amy Sacco is opening a Bungalow 8 in Amsterdam. Renée Zellweger pumped some iron at Equinox on Murray Street, and Bradley Cooper brunched at Joan’s on Third in L.A.

NYPD officers put parking tickets on all cars along Avenue B, except for Matt Dillon’s. Jill Zarin was boasting about her daughter’s charity work to Brown’s associate dean Roger Nozakito, though she claims her motherly bragging “had nothing to do with Brown.” Paris Hilton’s beau and Lauren Conrad’s ex, Doug Reinhardt, is dying to get on the new season of The Hills (apparently he follows the “any publicity is good publicity” motto), but no one wants him there. Meanwhile, Brody Jenner had his appendix removed on his 26th birthday, eloquently tweeting, “this sucks.” And George Hamilton reports that he keeps his skin “soft as a baby” by getting stem-cell injections. But right-wingers needn’t worry: “You don’t have to get it from embryos,” informs Hamilton. “You can get it from your own fat.” Good to know.

Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis Are Going to Get It On