Name: Gilbert Gottfried
Age: “15”
Neighborhood: Lower East Side
Occupation: “Steam Roller”
Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Hamlet. Few people know it. He is a New Yorker and he works in a pizza store in Tribeca.
What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
Anything that someone else has paid for.
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Wonder if people will discover that I have no talent whatsoever.
Would you still live here on a $35,000 salary?
In Manhattan, that’s what homeless people make.
What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
A homeless man peeing on himself.
Do you give money to panhandlers?
No, I say, “Wait right there. I’ll be right back.”
What’s your drink?
Cyanide.
How often do you prepare your own meals?
That depends on whether you consider toaster waffles a meal.
What’s your favorite medication?
I’m old-fashioned, so I still do heroin.
What’s hanging above your sofa?
I don’t know, but it’s starting to smell.
How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
Anything above $2 including tip and you’re getting ripped off.
When’s bedtime?
Why are you rushing me? I don’t even know you.
Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
The old Times Square. I used to get great exercise when junkies were chasing me down the street.
What do you think of Donald Trump?
A little too shy and insecure.
What do you hate most about living in New York?
Having New York Magazine come after me with stupid questions.
Who is your mortal enemy?
Lex Luthor.
When’s the last time you drove a car?
The judge says I can’t talk about that right now.
How has the Wall Street crash affected you?
I already told you, the judge said I can’t talk about that.
Times, Post, or Daily News?
Whichever one they’re handing out free on the street that day.
Where do you go to be alone?
My bed.
What makes someone a New Yorker?
A criminal record.
Gilbert Gottfried will be appearing at Carolines comedy club tomorrow at 8 p.m.
