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If You Go Down the Rabbit Hole, It’s Going to Take More Than Gossip Girl to Drag You Back Out

The theme of this week’s episode of Gossip Girl was artfully elucidated by the song crooned by grand dame Lady Gaga: “Bad Romance.” Serena and Tripp justified their lust, Nate lamented his stupidity, and Vanessa, unsurprisingly, mistook fag-hag status for “like.” The ending was bittersweet, as Olivia followed her fate to do more teenage occult films and Dan went back to being “Lonely Boy.” In the comments, you praised these decisions — and illustrated an excellent knowledge of Saved by the Bell. Commenter Miserable has compiled the best ones.

Realer Than Serena Having Fake Tranny Nails
Plus 2 for Nate’s ballwashing of Serena not including the words smart or intelligent. “Full of life?” Okay, I’ll buy it. —onceuponatime

• Also, plus 50 for the return of the REAL Blair Waldorf. Scheming, black mail, braggadocio, manipulation and beret-wearing. Now we just need the return of Dorota to fully amplify the one and only Queen’s powers. —countrymaeve

Plus 2 for Nate calling Serena out on having a crush on Trip when only two months ago she was all blissed-out in love with Carter. Because who better to call out the kettle than the pot. —shmay

• Nate and married men: Freudian slip? Plus 5. —dignell

• Didn’t Hilary once have a career as a pop star? she sounded terrible. Plus 5 because most pop stars can’t actually sing. —chuckbassismybabydaddy

• Trip, as would any guy, would use any excuse to cheat on his wife. “Serena, she helped me get elected! By Lying! IN POLITICS! Now come sleep with me.” Plus 15 points. —isgoodatmath

Plus 10 for Lady Gaga knowing Cyrus! Maybe she can get him to make an appearance on the show! —fashionrat

• Also I’d like to add I’m in Europe and we very much know what “I’m Chuck Bass” means here. Plus 20. —im_chuck_bass

• About Tripp: Plus 10 because now that he’s been unfaithful with a young blonde, he can now consider himself a real politician. —delawhere16

• Jenny dating a drug dealer and perhaps experimenting with drugs in the future? Plus 5 for art imitating life. —mmkious

Plus 5 for Serena thinking that finding Tripp as hot as Jude Law was five years ago is justification for sleeping with a married man. Only someone that shagged her best friend’s boyfriend on a bar would consider that a reasoned argument —rosemaryhoyt

Plus 5 for trip’s hair swoosh. because all politically-active wasps want to look just like JFK —revelry53

• This morning there was a story on NPR about a shortage of Eggo waffles. I guess little J’s queendom really does extend beyond Constance. Plus 5. —ggblast

Faker Than Nate Being the Person People Turn To for Reasoned Advice
Minus 10 for Dan stealing the basic concept of Snow White and the Seven Dorks from Saved by the Bell. —seanathan

• Didn’t anyone find it shady that 16 year old Jenny just dashes off with a 20-something foreigner who’s also a total stranger? Hello, Rufus? Are you still a parent? Minus 50. —ewallace

• Why is Nate the only person Serena can confide in about having feelings for a married man? I’m pretty sure Lily has slept with lots of married men. In fact, I’m marginally sure Cece has too. Minus 10. —iludythink

• Did anyone else notice that Dan and Nate run into Vanessa in Tribeca (you can see the Tribeca Tavern in the background) and then later Dan and Olivia are walking around the same corner again? NYU (much less COLUMBIA) is NOT close enough that they’d be wandering around there for their morning coffee. Minus 6. —isinbed

• After last week’s elevator confession, I really thought it would be Chuck helping Serena deal with her Daddy issues (since those two have the worst Daddy issues out of everyone). But then I realized that Papa Bass can only save one stupid, blonde sister at a time, and this just happened to be Jenny’s week. Minus 5. —nurseluvbass

• I look forward to thinking of Cyrus every time I hear “Poker Face” from now on. But minus 5 for him not popping out from under Lady Gaga’s dress for the big finish. —purpleandgreen

• Did Blair lock Dorota in the basement or sell her to a sex slavery ring? Minus 50 for the continuous absence for the 2nd best character on this show. —polishpierogi

• Little J can’t wander over for lunch at Jean Georges, there’s a dress code! She should be on the Alice in Wonderland statue eating a Sabrett dog. Minus 10 points —silkpants

• Rufus has never heard of gonorrhea of the throat? And he toured with his band? Minus 5 because anyone whose been on tour with a band (even an awful one like Lincoln Hawk) would have had at least a handful of STDs by the end of it. —jnp1013

• Um there is a “Bitches Of Eastwick”, it’s called The Craft. And if this version doesn’t have Fairuza Balk or Skeet Ulrich then it’s automatically worse. Minus 20. —kdow3

• Also, can we stop pretending that Serena actually reads ANY newspapers. She would just scan gawker or some other gossip site that only has articles in 250 words or less. Minus 10. —misschristypoo

Minus 50 for Chuck’s “I saw that look in your eye when I first saw you…” to Little J. What was that look? Fear? When you tried to rape her? —thejacqueline

• While we are at it, this new guy is far too preppy for little J to like. He doesn’t look anything like a Vampire and the “dead but alive” thing she has going would attract someone more greasy and unwashed. —annie_in_ny

• Hey Nate? You know why Serena thought that line was so blurry? It’s because you were feeding her shots all night, and Serena doesn’t get metaphor. Way to cock-block yourself Archibald. Minus 5. —hookedonbass

Minus 1 because Dan wouldn’t have a Smythson or a marbled Mead. He’d have a Moleskin- Hemingway used them, omgggggg! —breebuckley

If You Go Down the Rabbit Hole, It’s Going to Take More Than Gossip Girl to Drag You Back Out