gross things

Teacher Suspended for Acknowledging That Teenagers Masturbate in Gross Ways

Greg Van Voorhis, a 30-year-old teacher at the Bronx School of Law and Finance, was suspended for giving students a Chuck Palahniuk story “about masturbation,” per the Post. Our first thought when we read this: How bad could the story have been? Probably not anything worse than teenagers hear or see or read on the Internet.

Happily, the story was online. Or, maybe not so happily, because now we’re going to have nightmares. “Guts,” which was published in Playboy in 2004, tells the tales of three teenagers whose ingenious methods of masturbation go horribly, horribly wrong, in progressively horrifying ways. There’s

The Boy Who Shoved a Carrot Up His Ass

After dinner, he goes to find the carrot and it’s gone. All his dirty clothes, while he ate dinner, his mom grabbed them all to do laundry. No way could she not find the carrot, carefully shaped with a paring knife from her kitchen, still shiny with lube and stinky.

The Boy Who Shoved a Candle Up His Urethra and Has to Go to the Emergency Room, Where He Is Forced to Explain the Entire Thing to His Family

The X-rays show the truth, something long and thin, bent double inside his bladder. This long, thin V inside him, it’s collecting all the minerals in his piss. It’s getting bigger and more rough, coated with crystals of calcium, it’s bumping around, ripping up the soft lining of his bladder, blocking his piss from getting out. His kidneys are backed up. What little that leaks out his dick is red with blood.

The Boy Whose Guts Get Sucked Out of Him by the Circulation Pump While He Is Jerking Off in the Family Pool

What my folks will find after work is a big naked fetus, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of veins and twisted guts. The opposite of a kid hanging himself to death while he jacks off. This is the baby they brought home from the hospital thirteen years ago. Here’s the kid they hoped would snag a football scholarship and get an MBA. Who’d care for them in their old age. Here’s all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky pearls of wasted sperm.

To be sure, this is all incredibly gross. But then again, in addition to getting teenage boys to actually read, we imagine something like this might scare those teenagers who do dumb stuff that gets them killed straight. “He didn’t mean it to be anything other than something we could learn from,” junior Frankchesca Jimenez, 16, told the Post. Maybe instead of firing this teacher, they should hail him as a visionary, and make this required reading, like the Go Ask Alice of masturbation, or something.

Teacher suspended for giving ‘self-pleasure’ reading to students [NYP]
Guts [Chuck]

Teacher Suspended for Acknowledging That Teenagers Masturbate in Gross Ways