imaginary conversations

Inside Eric Holder’s Personal Inspection of the Jail Where the 9/11 Plotters Will Be Held

Yesterday, according to the AP, Attorney General Eric Holder made a surprise visit “to inspect security” at “the federal jail and nearby courthouse where Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four others are due to stand trial on charges they plotted the September 2001 attacks,” a trial that has put immense pressure on an Obama administration facing a skeptical nation and critics ready to pounce on any missteps. Luckily, though we can’t reveal our methods, Daily Intel was able to learn exactly what took place during the inspection.

Attorney General Eric Holder steps out of a black SUV and strolls up to the entrance of the jail, where he is greeted by a prison guard as he passes through the doorway. Holder stops a few steps in and turns around.

What the hell was that?” Holder asks him. “How could you let me just walk right into this building without checking out my identity?”

The guard, stumbling, replies, “Oh, well, because you’re the attorney general, sir. You called five minutes ago telling us to expect you.”

Holder gets up in the guard’s face. “Oh really? How can you be sure it’s me? What if I pulled a very realistic Eric Holder mask off of my face right now, like in Mission Impossible? Have you ever seen Mission Impossible, private?”

It’s … it’s Ed.”

Have you!?!”

A long time ago, I think, maybe.”

Good! Then start checking I.D.’s at the damn door. The Salahis were bad enough, we don’t need to let any Al Qaeda Salahis into this trial. Got it?”

Yes, you’re absolutely right, sir, thank you.”

Holder releases his death stare from the guard and walks away. He travels down a short corridor and enters a jail cell where one of the defendants will be held. Holder takes a few paces, turns around, and, facing out, he grabs the bars and shakes vigorously. After a moment, he stops.

I want these bars closer together,” he says to another guard, almost in a whisper, as he surveys the cell door in deep concentration.

What’s that, Mr. Holder?” the guard asks him.

Holder snaps back into the present. “You heard me, god damn it! This trial has to go off without a hitch! We can not screw this up! It has to be fucking perfect! Now get these bars closer together, immediately!!!”

Yes sir!” replies the guard, a man with no power to do such a thing.

Holder breezes out of the cell, strides out of the building, and steps into his awaiting black SUV as he heads to the courthouse, leaving behind two confused and shaken guards and, he’s confident, a vastly more secure jail.

Inside Eric Holder’s Personal Inspection of the Jail Where the 9/11 Plotters Will Be Held