tiger catches tail

Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods’s Alleged Mistress: ‘I Do Not Sleep With Celebrities’

The Post deserves a round of applause this morning for standing still yesterday afternoon and allowing alleged Tiger Woods home-wrecker Rachel Uchitel to word-vomit all over them, then writing it all down and publishing it in an article. Seriously, their 2,000-word story on the nightlife worker turned overnight scandal is basically all quote. You have to read the whole thing to get the full effect, but basically, the lady doth protest way too much. We find it hard to imagine that high-powered feminist lawyer Gloria Allred vetted this interview — seems like a simple, “This story isn’t true, here’s what actually happened” statement would have been taken quite a bit more seriously. Instead what we get is a spectacular romp through a tale involving hookers, Quaaludes, private jets, and private parties.

First of all, there is a perfectly logical explanation for why she was spotted texting and screaming Tiger’s name into a phone:

I got a random phone call from somebody who needed to set up a bachelor party in Vegas. He said, ‘Tiger Woods was going to be with us, can you set us up?’ I said sure. I had no contact with Tiger Woods, nothing to do with Tiger Woods, but when you handle a situation like that, you are very careful as to how you place them and what happens. So before I took off — literally from the airport — I’m literally spending all my time texting with my contact in Vegas. The bottom line was I was setting up a table for them, and obviously, I was saying Tiger’s name as I was talking on the phone to my contact. And when I landed, I found out there was a problem, so for like four hours, I was having a meltdown with [her Vegas contact] and with other people at [the nightclub] to try to get to the bottom of what happened.

Uchitel says she’s only met Woods once, and the main source in the Enquirer story, Ashley Samson, twice. And both of those latter times, she was not impressed:

She got herself invited on a trip that I went on [to Europe]. She conducted herself in a manner that was so embarrassing that the trip ended after a day. It was a total nightmare. I saw her again last week in Vegas. I was embarrassed by her behavior. She fell down the stairs at the restaurant because she was so wasted. She’s a train wreck … She was just a roommate of a friend who got invited at the last minute. This guy at the hotel gave her 3,000 euros to go upstairs with him, and then basically got the money back because two minutes into whatever they were doing, she passed out from too many Quaaludes. The guy came downstairs and was like, ‘Rachel I don’t know you, but you brought hookers here, and they are not even like hookers?’” … The whole thing got really weird.

We’ll say. Are you getting a sense of what Rachel sounds like, yet? That’s right, a genius. Here was her kicker:

I have never spoken on the phone with Tiger Woods, or texted him, ever. I get this stuff all the time. I see celebrities all the time. I was just in Vegas for a week, having dinner with celebrities. I hear this all the time. I don’t want to comment on the David Boreanaz stuff. That one is a different ballgame than the Tiger Woods thing. My statement is: I work in clubs and I am a businesswoman. I do not have sex with celebrities, and I have not had an affair with Tiger Woods.”

That’s the best part, in our opinion. Because she totally throws David Boreanaz under the bus for no reason, right before she said she doesn’t sleep with celebrities. And this after last summer she boasted to BlackBook: “Although I’ve been romantically linked to a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors, I will never kiss and tell!” So … basically, from what she’s said, she does sleep with celebrities, she doesn’t sleep with them, she may hint that she’s slept with one, but she would never talk about it. We love this girl! Now let’s get back to the Quaaludes-and-hookers part 

Rachel Uchitel: The night I met Tiger Woods & my life spun out of control [NYP]

Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods’s Alleged Mistress: ‘I Do Not Sleep With Celebrities’