Now that stories related to the Tiger Woods scandal have been identified as legitimate news worthy of coverage by the mainstream media, Daily Intel feels duty-bound to reveal the following piece of information.
Daily Intel editor and part-time cocktail waitress Chris Rovzar has been identified as the latest in a long string of twentysomethings linked to philandering golf superstar Tiger Woods. Woods met Rovzar at downtown gay bar DTox, Daily Intel can exclusively reveal, and the two “hit it off right away,” a goateed source tells us. “Tiger immediately started sexting him.” The sextual relationship quickly turned physical. “Before Chris knew it, the both of them were taking Lunesta, listening to Jimmy Buffett, and rolling around in soiled diapers at the Mercer Hotel.”
Rovzar, caught outside his apartment yesterday, had nothing to say about the explosive allegations. “It’s not appropriate for me to comment on that,” he said. “I have to focus on my work.” But his ex-boyfriend, who was hanging around DTox like he always does, said he was “completely unsurprised” by the story. “That guy would do anything to be famous,” Bryce Arminbottom told Intel. “And tell him I want my Troop Beverly Hills DVD back!”
Our source told us he’s seen texts from Woods on Rovzar’s cell phone. Some exchanges between the two are quite explicit. For example, a discussion of their favorite music.
Rovzar: I so heart Lady Gaga
Tiger: you would say that. Chix with dix.
Rovzar: urs is the only strange dix I am into right now
Tiger: why do I not believe that?
Rovzar: Stop it. I have fun with u. U have so much energy, I can’t even keep up. I can’t believe you are still with me.
Tiger: I will wear you out like a pair of Nike sneakers.
Rovzar: I’d like that.
Tiger: Srsly. You’ll be begging to be put back in the closet. I will leave you stinky, untied, and full of holes.
And then there was this e-mail:
“I had a dream we were gay married and I was leading the tournament. I came home, excited to see you, and there you were in the bedroom playing Lubriderm Twister with Mike Piazza and that guy from Prison Break while Days of Our Lives played in the background. It was an old episode, Stefano was possessed by the devil. Piazza was into it. Some part of me thinks you would like that. But now I can’t get back to sleep. My body is tired, but mind awake. Need some Lunesta.”