white men who are accustomed to winning at life

JPMorgan Announces $3.3 Billion Profit In Fourth Quarter

JPMorgan announced a $3.3 billion profit in the fourth quarter this morning, thanks to its investment-banking operations and the insane number of fees that it has begun charging its customers. The numbers beat analysts expectations and allowed the firm, which has declared a profit in every quarter of the financial crisis, to close out a hellish year with its head held high: They raked in $11.7 billion overall, more than double what they made in 2008. But that’s not enough for JPM’s winsome and sparkly eyed CEO, who has become accustomed to winning at life and thus for whom a 9 percent fall in profit from the last quarter is apparently unacceptable.

According to Jamie Dimon’s statement this morning:

We are gratified that we generated earnings of $3.3 billion for the fourth quarter and nearly $12 billion for the year. Though these results showed improvement, we acknowledge that they fell short of both an adequate return on capital and the firm’s earnings potential.

What’s his problem? Basically, anything humans were involved in, most especially the credit-card holders who are getting their statements and assessing the number of rate hikes, fees, and charges and saying, “Screw these bastards, I’m just going to default on this thing and declare bankruptcy.” Also, let’s face it, Goldman Sachs, and the fact that they are probably going to again blow JPMorgan away when they announce earnings next week. JD tries not to let that bother him, but he can’t help it, it sticks in his craw a little bit.

Earnings Statement [Official site]

JPMorgan Announces $3.3 Billion Profit In Fourth Quarter