Madonna Wants to Have Jesus’s Child

São Paolo Fashion Week regular Gisele skipped out on the festivities this year to spend time with her newborn. Luckily, Jesus Luz is there to hang out in the spotlight for her. Speaking of which, 51-year-old Madonna allegedly wants to have Jesus’s baby. Mischa Barton’s back to hard partying (“she’s a regular at Antik”) and can’t seem to remember her lines as a guest-starring hooker on Law & Order: SVU. Lydia Hearst is moving to Hollywood to pursue an acting career.

Conan’s officially out and Leno’s in on NBC’s lineup. Woe is Kanye. No one’s letting him join George Clooney’s star-studded Haiti Telethon. Snoop Dogg, Chris Brown, and Lil’ Kim are due to make cameos at Diddy’s son’s 16th-birthday party on Saturday, which is being filmed for MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen. With fewer corporate sponsors, gifting suites, and party houses, films might actually be the focus of Sundance this year, but probably not. Turns out Nicolas Cage owes only a scant $14 million to the IRS. The Aspen judge who ordered Charlie Sheen to stay away from his wife after their Christmas confrontation allowed him to visit her in the hospital as she undergoes treatment for post-oral-surgery pneumonia.

Fifteen Jets, including Braylon Edwards, Darrelle Revis, and Kerry Rhodes prepped for Sunday’s face-off with the Colts by downing steak, seafood, and lychee martinis at Tao. Fresh off of Maialino, Danny Meyer and Ian Schrager are supposedly plotting a “reasonably less expensive” restaurant on the Gramercy Park Hotel’s rooftop. Mets owner Fred Wilpon celebrated Scott Brown’s Massachusetts victory over dinner with New York State chief judge Sol Wachtler in Manhasset. Rachel Weisz celebrated Steve McQueen at a private dinner at Indochine. Michael Lohan, noted for his keen paternal instincts, dropped his dog off at the vet and never came back.

Shockingly, Heidi Montag’s album sold under 1,000 copies. She also insists she almost died from drug complications during her ten cosmetic surgeries, but her doctor disagrees. Tara Reid, who recently displayed her goods in Playboy, is engaged to her Internet-entrepreneur boyfriend. Hayden Panettiere is now a redhead. In childhood, Khloe was the cuter of the Kardashian sisters. And after posting an unflattering photo of Michelle Obama on his Twitter page, Scott Baio received death threats.

Madonna Wants to Have Jesus’s Child