absurd things

Utah Developer Provides a Real Rustic Experience® for Finance Types

A Utah developer named Doug Anderson has come up with something genius: Wolf Creek Ranch, a gated community an hour outside of Salt Lake City, that bills itself as a “private national park.” Residents who inhabit the14,000-acre development’s multi-million-dollar Scandinavian-designed homes (“a mix of wealthy Utah residents and business executives,” including former Citigroup chief financial officer Gary Crittenden, according to the Journal) are afforded the ability to indulge in their love nature and the remote plains of Utah, only with none of the discomfort. Here’s a peek at what life is like on the Ranch:

While they say they relish mingling with nature, owners also get access to a club barn for get-togethers, an equestrian center, four yurts set up for deluxe camping stints, cellphone access (the tower is disguised as a pine tree) and 27 miles of paved roads. They socialize around the quarterly association meetings — the highlight being an annual fall elk bugling party, in which everyone breaks into groups with bugles to call out to the male elks. (The elks are gazed at — hunting isn’t allowed.)

Daily Intel has obtained the Welcome Note potential residents of Wolf Creek receive upon arrival. It is below.

Daily Intel has obtained the Welcome Note potential residents of Wolf Creek receive upon arrival. It is below.

Greetings, Ranchers!

Welcome to Wolf Creek Ranch, or as we like to call it, the Wild Frontier!

We hope you enjoy your humble Dugout. As you can see, it’s a bit larger than the abodes that frontiersman lived in back in the good old days, and roomier than the Scandinavian homes it is modeled on, but we feel the size and design are not only complementary to the local terrain, but a vast improvement over the “rugged” structures common to the area. If you need someone to help you with your fireplace, wireless Internet, or digital sound system, feel free to ring the front desk at any time and an Ranger will provide assistance.

As you may have heard, we at Wolf Creek are well-known for our wide range of activities, which simulate the Real Experience of Living with Nature.® Here’s a sampling of tomorrow’s activities.

In the morning, Ranger Carl will lead a Breakfast Foraging expedition, in which he’ll drive you to the edge of the empty plain and leave you, hungry, thirsty, and disoriented, to find your own sustenance. You’ll have to locate your own source of water, figure out which plants you can eat, and ultimately, cobble together a meal from the bounty of the earth! Along the way, you might wonder: Is the water in this Rocky Spring® safe to drink? That’s just what your ancestors would have wondered! The answer, for you, not them, is yes: Rocky Spring Water® is artesian, filtered and refreshed constantly by our staff (those who prefer sparkling should peek inside the Giant Craggy Rock, which contains a selection of bottles from various purveyors). Similarly, none of the herbs you will see on the ground are actually poisonous. They’re flown in nightly from Dean and Deluca, trimmed, cleaned, and replanted in the ground by staff.

You’ll also notice the dirt here isn’t like real dirt. That’s because it’s a silicone compound, made with essential oils, produced especially for Wolf Creek. If you touch it, it will glide off of your skin, leaving a soft but not greasy layer of moisture that you may find imbues your skin with a pleasant elasticity. Wolf Creek Dirt and Mud Products® are also available in the Gift Shack (price upon request).

When you feel you’re through with your Adventure and are ready for breakfast, you can make your way to the edge of the plain, where you’ll find a Frontier-Style Breakfast Buffet waiting for you in the Random Ramshackle Ranch. (Those who don’t want to walk can dial “7” on their phone and Ranger Carl will pick you up in the Wolf Creek Covered Wagon.)

After your meal, you might decide you need some exercise. How about a run through our state-of-the-art Craggy Canyon? Along the way you’ll be menaced by Wolf Creek Wolves, Coyotes, and maybe even some Snakes. Trust us: Nothing gets your heart racing like seeing a giant rattler slithering across your $400 sneakers! (NB: All of the snakes on the course are mechanical, and the Wolves and Coyotes are played by former Lehman Brothers traders. They can seem a little fiesty, but they do know when to stop.)

Later, may we suggest you take a stroll through our Dangerous Desert Spa? Wolf Creek’s new, multi-million-dollar facility simulates the real experience of a long, tortured walk across the dusty desert, with none of the discomfort. Along the way, you’ll be exposed to lamps that emulate the hot sun (all lamps are equipped with mood-improving 5,000-kilowatt full-spectrum light bulbs), experience an exfoliating sandstorm, and finish up by taking a luxuriating dip in our famed Abandoned Oil Well. Afterward, you’ll feel just like a frontiersman would have felt, only instead of chapped, dry, and dejected, you’ll be soft and moisturized — with a much healthier outlook!

If you think you’d be interested in a duel, inquire at the front desk, and one of our Rangers will find a sparring partner from one of the nearby small towns. Of course, your gun will be loaded, theirs will not. Society will never miss them!

Ladies who feel like doing a little shopping are encouraged at any time to “mine for ore” in our on-site boutique, the Gold Digger.

At 7 p.m, we’ll convene for dinner in the Club House, where the chef will offer a selection of locally caught and prepared delicacies, including Rancid Buffalo (steak, all cuts available) and Prairie Lobster (lobster). Afterward, we hope you’ll join us in the Main Room for our nightly Hoedown for dancing, Shooting at Cans, and other Rustic Fun.

Where the CEOs Roam [WSJ]

Utah Developer Provides a Real Rustic Experience® for Finance Types