Disgraced golf legend Tiger Woods is back in Florida, apparently, and while the latest reports are sketchy as to whether or not he’s living with his wife, Elin, Radar Online says the pair has been out and about in the neighborhood. “They were hugging and they were kissing right out in the open,” an eyewitness told the site. “Elin is certainly a lot more relaxed these days and so is he … People in the neighborhood are getting used to seeing them together again.” Someone else told Radar that after his well-publicized infidelity and later apology, Tiger is “winner her back” and the “divorce has been called off for now.”
We don’t know what to make of that stuff — judging by the way that Tiger defiantly claimed his right to privacy during his apology press conference (which was attended by no reporters), we highly doubt he’s gossiping about his personal life to anybody these days. Certainly not people who are poor enough to want to take bribes from a scandal website. (Frankly, we’re not sure he knows anybody poor, period.) But for some reason we believe the eyewitness who saw them kissing. Not that we necessarily believe the spirit of the kissing, just that it happened. Because celebrities, when they want to telegraph to the world that EVERYTHING IS OKAY, often do things that — in our minds — normal people do not like to do. Things like walking and kissing at the same time, which generally seems like a bad plan. Also, things like:
1. Making out while eating in restaurants. Seriously, this is gross.
2. Buying sexy food products for one another.
3. Telling everybody about their embarrassing secret sexual outrageousness.
4. Going to one another’s boring work functions.
5. Telling people that they are actually not dating and never have been. (This really makes us think things are hot and heavy.)
6. Getting photographed nearly naked together.
7. Making more babies, by hook or by crook.
8. Talking about their weird sex proclivities so frequently that you can’t imagine the couple without thinking about them doing it and how gross that is because they’re kind of old and Vaseline-y.
9. Purposefully leaking a sexy photo or text message of one or the other.
10. Making sure everybody knows that rumor about the guy and the part of his body that looks like a baby arm holding an apple, so that everyone assumes the girl is satisfied even though the couple never really made sense in the first place.
11. Making up barely plausible excuses for why they won’t get married and then talk about them so much people eventually believe it.
12. Having one member of the couple say such crazy junk all the time that you just assume the other person must really love him or her, otherwise why would they even be together?
So anyway, yeah. A notoriously private couple making sure to kiss in public is not really much of a stunt in these terms. And really, it must be a sign of some improvement in trust, regardless of whether it was staged. Because we all know where those lips have been, and unless we knew they’d been chemically sanded down to the cartilage and replaced with entirely new flesh, there’s no way we’d go anywhere near that business.
Tiger Woods And Wife Spotted K-I-S-S-I-N-G! [Radar Online]