No Amount of Yoga or Highlights Will Keep Jennifer Aniston Alive Forever

After Jennifer Aniston’s Bounty Hunter took in just $38.4 million in its first ten days of release, rumors are swirling that she can’t play the rom-com girl-next-door anymore “no matter the yoga and the highlights.” Meanwhile, when British Harper’s Bazaar asked her thoughts on Botox, she responded, “I could do it. These lines are getting deeper every day.” In related news, Brangelina’s former bodyguard confirms what others have suspected for a while: “The real Angelina is self-centered and a control freak. She has no patience at all. She doesn’t do things out of the kindness of her heart. And she’s totally psycho.” Martha Stewart continues to impress us with her useful advice, like an instructional video on putting chickens to sleep. And according to Ancestry.com, Madonna and Ellen DeGeneres are distant cousins.

A genealogist for the site notes that they “have both written books and been on tour, and are known for their impressive dance moves.” (We could say the same for Katie Couric and Soulja Boy, but that doesn’t mean they’re related.)

Mark Sanchez and a “gorgeous brunette” munched on kobe sliders and lobster spring rolls at 675 Bar the other night. Kate Hudson is reportedly dating three men post–A-Rod: a former Bride Wars cameraman, a “big-time hedge fund manager,” and Australian golfer Adam Scott. Lady Gaga is James Bond producers’ first choice to sing the next Daniel Craig–inspired theme song. Alexa Ray Joel gave bargoers at the Polar Lounge a preview of her new album with an impromptu performance the other night. The “stars” of TLC’s Police Women of Maricopa County got particularly giddy when they spotted Benjamin Bratt at the London/NYC Hotel, dashing over to snap photos with him. Jane Fonda invited Kelly Cutrone over to her boyfriend, Richard Perry’s, house to watch the Kell on Earth finale, since Perry and Cutrone used to work together in the music industry. Fonda thinks Cutrone is a “fierce character.” Cosmopolitan editor-in-chief Kate White snagged a role in an ABC movie with Hilary Duff.

Just a week after announcing to the press that she’s in a lesbian relationship, Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciak says it was just a “one-time deal” between her and D.J. Tracy Young. A tattoo-parlor receptionist named Skittles Valentine gushes about the foursome she and tattoo artist Eric McDougal had with Jesse James and Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. Sandra Bullock, meanwhile, made her first post-scandal appearance, sporting a floppy green hat as a bodyguard escorted her to the back of a black Mercedes, then drove to Beverly Hills billionaire Gabriel Brener’s house. And comic Annabelle Gurwitch recognized the impressive time-management skills involved in certain men’s extracurricular activities of late. “They have busy careers and marriages to deal with, and yet they still have numerous affairs on the side. Now, that’s what I call multitasking! If my husband could even do half of that, I’d be proud of him.”

No Amount of Yoga or Highlights Will Keep Jennifer Aniston Alive Forever