21 questions

Summer Rayne Oakes Likes Crotchety Old Men

Name: Summer Rayne Oakes
Age: 25
Neighborhood: Williamsburg
Occupation: “Eco-model,” environmental scientist, and author of Style, Naturally.

Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional? Anderson Cooper.

What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
The grilled oyster mushrooms and asparagus at Gobo.

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Wear spandex, shoot lightning out of my eyes, and open up a can of whoop-ass on all evildoers that attempt to overthrow Mother Earth.

Would you live here on a $35,000 salary?
Yes. Been there, done that. Spaghetti without tomato sauce: 60 days in a row. Cheapest food around.

What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
It’s been a while, but Off Broadway — De la Guarda.

Do you give money to panhandlers?
Yes if they play good music and make me laugh. No if they are trustifarian hipsters in skinny-leg jeans hanging in my hood.

What’s your drink?
Shirley Temple, extra grenadine, two cherries. When I’m feeling a bit more “mature” — a lemon-lime and bitters.

How often do you prepare your own meals?
As much as I can.

What’s your favorite medication?
Lindt 70 percent dark cocoa with sea salt.

What’s hanging above your sofa?
Some mammoth spiders. They kill the roaches. It’s like World War III David Attenborough–style in my rafters — just with six to eight legs and spider silk!

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?

When’s bedtime?
Doesn’t matter. As long as I get six to eight hours.

Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
If my taste in men is any indication, then I’d go for the crotchety old one. But alas, I’m too young to know! You’ll have to devise a new question for those of us a little wet behind the ears.

What do you think of Donald Trump?
Hey, the Donald offered me a job back in December of 2004 after just talking with him for a few moments. Guess he figured I’d make one fine janitor.

What do you hate most about living in New York?
Rancid Canal Street in the height of summer.

Who is your mortal enemy?
Winter Sleet Pine.

When’s the last time you drove a car?
My license went from legality to vestigiality eons ago.

How has the Wall Street crash affected you?
More humble men on the market! Stocks up!

Times, Post, or Daily News? Times. Although the Daily will always hold a special place in my heart: They voted me No. 1 New Yorker whose name matches her job. Eat that, Zoe Hamburger from McDonald’s!

Where do you go to be alone?
Down the deep, dark rabbit hole (it’s at the base of my brain in the back of my mind, tucked under the meninges). Three words: Don’t go there.

What makes someone a New Yorker?
Scowl on his/her face walking 50 mph until a foreigner asks for directions and he/she will totally stop in his/her tracks and answer with a beaming smile.

Summer Rayne Oakes Likes Crotchety Old Men