sex on skates

What Can Would-be Teen Moms Everywhere Learn From the Saga of Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin?

Did you hear? America’s Most Important Unmarried Young White Parents, Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, have gotten engaged. This development explains some things in their recent history — most prominently, Johnston’s very recent apology to Sarah Palin and her family for aggressive comments he’s made about them in the media in the past. Johnston admitted that he “publicly said things about the Palins that were not completely true,” though frustratingly he did not specify which things. According to Us Weekly, for which they posed adorably with their baby son Tripp, the couple got engaged two weeks ago. “It felt right,” said Bristol, “Even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.”

I really thought we were over,” Levi told Us. “So when I went, I had no hope. I think we both just started talking — and then we took Tripp for a walk.” That, apparently, was all it took. “When he left that night, we didn’t hug or kiss, but I was thinking how different it was,” Bristol explained later. “He texted me: ‘I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you again’ … I was in shock.”

Ooooookkkkaayyy. Let’s just take a deep breath and indulge ourselves in a walk down memory lane. Bristol, if you’ll recall, is a public advocate against teen pregnancy. She’s even appeared as a teen mom on a popular TV show that cautions kids about it. So what can would-be teen moms learn from Bristol’s story, really, in the end? Let’s pretend for a moment that teenage girls, in the ever-so-important moment when their teenage boyfriends are pressuring them to have sex without a condom, are thinking with their brains. And then, let’s try to imagine how Bristol Palin’s life would influence this thought process.

Thought: Maybe I should make him use a condom.
Well, What Happened to Bristol? Like Bristol’s, my boyfriend is incredibly handsome and one of the coolest athletes in school, and I’m kind of lucky to be dating him, or even really just keeping his attention. And one day he may be famous and on a reality show and posing nude for Playgirl, in which case lots of people are going to want to have unprotected sex with him. So maybe I should get there first?

Thought: But what if I get pregnant?
Well, What Happened to Bristol? Bristol got pregnant. And in the most public way possible, while her mother was running to be vice-president of America. But that turned out okay! Her mom got behind the idea of their marriage, made Levi cut off his mullet, and then they got up onstage holding hands in front of America at the Republican National Convention and everybody applauded them!

Thought: But then what if, after the baby comes, he dumps me?
Well, What Happened to Bristol? This is what happened to her. Levi, like my boyfriend, is kind of a bad boy. But that’s why I like him so much! So Levi and Bristol broke up, and Levi turned against her family and started making all of these public appearances denouncing them. And then he went on to go to Hollywood and all these clubs, with women hanging off of him everywhere. I still believe that he (and by he, I’m talking about both my random bad-boy boyfriend and Levi Johnston at the same time) will come around and be there for me when I really need it. Like in a movie! Starring Josh Hartnett!

Thought: What if I can’t raise this baby alone?
Well, What Happened to Bristol? Apparently, having a baby out of wedlock can make you famous, and give you a contract with Candie’s. And apparently your family, because of public scrutiny, will back you up to the hilt, helping you care for your baby as if it is everyone’s child. And your previously cash-strapped mom might also become a singular national industry and make like $12 million the year after your baby is born! So no worries there, certainly.

Thought: But what if I still love my bad-boy boyfriend, after all that?
Well, What Happened to Bristol? Well, Bristol still loved Levi. And lo and behold, Wasilla’s resident brainless thug came around! After a year of trash-talking her family and doing everything he could to destroy Bristol’s mother, Levi texted one day to say he loved her! And just like that, they got back together. Before they even talked it over with their parents, they were on the cover of a magazine. Posing like the beautiful family they were always meant to be! She landed the bad boy! All because she is beautiful and kind and good-hearted, and not at all because he is a fame whore who was running out of money and knew his fifteen minutes were up unless he did something desperate and unexpected!

Thought: I should probably have unprotected sex right now, huh?
Well, What Happened to Bristol? Too late.

Earlier: We’re Sorry, But Palin Baby Daddy Levi Johnston Is Sex on Skates [Daily Intel]
Related: 49 Minutes With Levi Johnston

What Can Would-be Teen Moms Everywhere Learn From the Saga of Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin?