tea time

The Tea Party’s Secret Weekly Strategy Memo, Revealed

Daily Intel has obtained, through highly illegal wiretaps, the weekly strategy memo of the tea party. We reprint it here in full.

Re: Re: Re: Re: SECRET Tea Party Strategy Memo????

From: Phillip M. Tea < phillipmtea@reagan.com >

To: Tea Partiers < TEA-PARTY-LIST@listserv.earthlink.com >

Hello again, it’s me, the chairman of the Tea Party, Phillip M. Tea, bringing you this week’s strategy memo via every tea partier’s favorite form of communication, the chain e-mail. First of all, everyone is doing a good job of not mentioning my existence. If people knew there was an eccentric billionaire llama farmer at the top of this movement, there’s no way they would respect us. Better to stick with the decentralized, starfishlike grassroots thing for now.

With that out of the way, I need to acknowledge the great job our gal Sharron Angle is doing out in Nevada. Sharron’s press savvy has been fantastic. Calling out the media for asking questions that haven’t been pre-approved by the campaign was a stroke of genius. Sufficiently shamed, I’m fairly certain that the press will behave obediently from now on.

Sharron is also the only candidate out there with the guts to tell voters that depending on the government is tantamount to creating a false idol — a violation of the First Commandment. As Sharron reminded them, only God can help you, not the government. And when Sharron gets to the Senate, she will avoid stepping on God’s toes by doing as little as possible to help anyone.

On a related note, the questionnaire Sharron filled out for the “Government Is not God” committee showed she has real conservative values and will strive to keep the government out of our fetuses, our schools, and our homes except for gay homes. The restricting pornography thing, however, was, even to me, kind of scary. May want to ease up on that.

Now it’s time for the moment about 60 percent of you have been waiting for, the Birthers of the Week. It was too difficult to pick a winner this week, so let’s just give accolades all around.

• Rocky Raczkowski, candidate for Congress in Michigan’s 9th district, who was recorded saying, “You have a president that seems to be, um … well … I don’t know if he even has been born in the United States, but … until I see a birth certificate,” and refusing to back down when confronted by the media. And then a few hours later, backing down. But it was a good run.

• Jim Scheller, running as an American Congress Party candidate for Joe Sestak’s House seat in Pennsylvania, for making it onto the ballot this week. Sure, the Democrats basically gathered all his signatures for him hoping that his presence in this race will split the conservative vote. And sure, that is exactly what will happen. And instead of having a reliable Republican in the seat, we’ll have a Democrat who will help to further the Obama agenda. But we’re proud of you Jim. You go be the best tool for the Democrats you can be.

• Orly Taitz, whose valiant efforts in the California attorney general’s race came up just short in June, for utterly confusing the liberal-activist court system, perhaps intentionally, with her improperly filed birther-lawsuit paperwork.

Efforts to spread the word about Obama’s phony birth story are clearly working, with a full quarter of Americans now saying they’re unsure whether Obama was born in America. The other 75 percent think birthers are absolutely nuts, but they’ll come around.

Meanwhile, I can’t stress enough that we could use more fearmongering about the United Nations, people. Our polling tells us that somewhere after jobs, the economy, government spending, the wars, and terrorism, voters are concerned about the increasingly heavy-handed intrusion of the United Nations in our everyday lives. Colorado gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes did a good job exposing Denver mayor John Hickenlooper’s bicycle program as a subversive UN directive. But there are a lot of other seemingly innocuous things we can reveal as part of a secret UN agenda. Energy efficiency, picnics, book clubs — anything that seems vaguely communal in nature can work. Be creative.

Finally, this week, the black tea partiers did a great job of proving, by their very existence, that racism is not at all a problem in the movement. All seventeen of you should be very proud.

Now, let’s get out there and add some more whiny, insufficiently paranoid, refusing-to-call-Obama-a-socialist RINOs like Congressman Bob Inglis to the unemployment rolls.

Until next week,

The Tea Party’s Secret Weekly Strategy Memo, Revealed