imagined conversations

Faisal Shahzad’s Secret Chat With the Taliban, Revealed

After Faisal Shahzad planted a car bomb in Times Square, he returned to his home in Connecticut and contacted the Pakistani Taliban via computer, telling one of his handlers what he had done, federal prosecutors in Manhattan said Wednesday,” the New York Times reports today. “The memorandum does not reveal precisely what he told the Taliban the night of his failed attempt, but the communications support Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr.’s assertion last June that ‘the Pakistani Taliban facilitated Faisal Shahzad’s attempted attack on American soil.’” Through its spies in the Pakistani intelligence community, Daily Intel has acquired the transcript of this conversation, which we have reproduced here in full.

Shahzam79: yo, what up

TaliMan4Life: hey

Shahzam79: i just got back from Times Square

TaliMan4Life: kewl how was it, did you see a show or something?

Shahzam79: what, no, i did that thing we talked about …

TaliMan4Life: ???

Shahzam79: the thing with the car …

TaliMan4Life: the car?

TaliMan4Life: OH

TaliMan4Life: shit, right, i totes forgot that was today. how did it go?

Shahzam79: well, it went ok

TaliMan4Life: how many infidels did you kill? 100? if you say 100 i’m going to lol so hard

Shahzam79: the thing is, the bomb … something, i dunno, i think the wires were faulty

TaliMan4Life: what are you telling me, that it didn’t explode?

Shahzam79: pretty much

TaliMan4Life: :(

Shahzam79: i know, even worse is i left the keys to my getaway car in the bomb car, so i had to take the train home to Connecticut

TaliMan4Life: that probably took you forever

Shahzam79: it did, and i had nothing to read

TaliMan4Life: sucks

Shahzam79: you don’t seem that upset with me

TaliMan4Life: i mean, you can just try again in a couple of weeks, no biggie :-P

Shahzam79: the thing is, though, the car was not damaged at all really

TaliMan4Life: right, i know

Shahzam79: so, i dunno, maybe they could figure out where the car came from, and trace it back to me?

TaliMan4Life: like CSI:Miami?

Shahzam79: yeah i haven’t seen that show but I think so

TaliMan4Life: SHIT

Shahzam79: yeah, so I’m like, I’m not sure what to do right now


Shahzam79: i know, it’s my bad


Shahzam79: sorry, i guess you should probably go into hiding or something

TaliMan4Life: oh yeah, you think so? real einstein over here. someone give this guy a macarthur genius grant.

Shahzam79: anyway, i think i might catch a plane to pakistan or something

TaliMan4Life: i don’t care what you do!! shit!!

Shahzam79: um, all right, i’m gonna try to get out of here, i’ll let you know how it goes

TaliMan4Life: no!!! dont IM or call me again! fucking idiot.

Faisal Shahzad’s Secret Chat With the Taliban, Revealed