Yesterday, a funeral for the actor Tony Curtis was held in Las Vegas. His widow, Jill Vandenberg, insisted her husband be buried in his favorite outfit — white shorts, his favorite white sweater, and an Armani scarf — and lovingly placed a number of items into his casket to accompany him on his journey to the afterlife.
Including, according to the Las Vegas Sun.
• His Stetson hat
• A traveling bag packed full of favorite photos and letters
• A model of his 25th-anniversary Trans Am
• Driving gloves
• Some cash
• Gold coins (in case the dollar depreciates in heaven as it may on earth)
• His Navy medals
• A pair of his grandson Nicholas’s baby shoes
• Two of his favorite watches
• A yarmulke from a synagogue in Budapest he helped renovate
• Stones he had collected during his travels
• A DVD of clips from his favorite film
• Sunglasses (He is going into the light, after all)
• Seven packets of Splenda
• A single Percocet tablet
• His sleeping-eye blinders
• Ashes from his dog Jack
• Paintbrushes, paints, and a sketchbook
• His “IV,” which is what he called his iPhone, according to the paper
Wait, he still has his iPhone! Does that mean it is possible to call Tony Curtis, even though he is dead? Oh no, never mind. He was buried this morning, so the battery is probably already dead, as well.