Fatal Flaws in Seattle’s Costumed Superhero’s Fight Against Crime

In case you hadn’t heard, there are real-life superheroes patrolling the streets of Seattle! Not the puny, caped Lucha Libre–mask-wearing kind of yesteryear, but heroes who must’ve spent serious bank on rubber sculpted-abs suits and have lairs hidden behind secret panels in comic-book stores and stop actual crimes and shit. In fact, Phoenix Justice, one of the masked avengers behind the Rain City Superhero Crime Fighting movement, recently prevented a car-jacking in Lynwood, Washington. Dan, whose car was getting jacked, explains it to KIRO 7 Eyewitness News: “From the right, this guy comes dashing in just wearing this skintight rubber black and golden suit and just starts chasing him away!” Zoom! Thwack! But the life of a real-life crime-fighting superhero, without superhuman superpowers, is not without its perils.

First rule of Superheroes is: There is no secret lair in Superheroes.
Phoenix Jones! You let a camera crew film you going into your comic-book secret room to change into your outfit! You think the kind of people who read comic books won’t be able to recognize which store that is by the wood paneling alone? Plus, it’s not even as though someone trying to unmask your real identity would be stalled by figuring out which book opened the secret compartment. Thanks to footage, everyone knows you can just pull the side of the shelf. Rookie move. We can’t say listing all your weaponry for the nightly news was that smart either. Now anyone that wants to defeat you just has to figure out what trumps a taser, night stick, mace, tear gas, bullet proof vest, and a knife plate.

Second rule of Superheroes is: Disguise your voice with gravel.
Why would Kim Basinger not be able to tell that Michael Keaton was Batman? Why would Chris O’Donnell not be able to tell that George Clooney was Batman? Why would Katie Holmes not be able to tell that Christian Bale was Batman? Are you starting to see a pattern here? Chew on some gravel before you talk. It’s not fun for anyone, but it keeps the identity hidden.

Go where you’re most needed.
Seattle? Really? Do they need help crunching their granola or some other generic stereotype of the Northwest? Doesn’t Gotham City Superhero Crime Fighting movement just sound more super? Our crime rate is climbing, our streets are covered in garbage, and without rain boots the slush puddles are practically insurmountable. Plus, Intel Nitasha could use your help in her epic quest to destroy the daytime rat at the Clinton-Washington C stop. Intel Chris needs a superheroic personal trainer. Intel Jessica has some laundry and possibly some ex-boyfriend smiting for you to look into. So if you guys want to relocate, we promise Intel alone could keep you in brisk business. Think about it. We really want to see what the rest of the gang’s costumes look like.

Real-Life Superhero Fights Real-Life Crime [KIRO 7 via Buzzfeed]

Fatal Flaws in Seattle’s Costumed Superhero’s Fight Against Crime