Freaking Gwyneth Paltrow. One day she’s over here, eating our fried chicken and appearing on our prime-time TV programs and performing at the Country Music Awards like a real American, and ten seconds later she’s back in England, talking smack behind our backs. “I miss America, but I love living in the U.K.,” she tells British Bazaar. Really, — huh. What’s so great about things over there?
“In England, people are cool.”
Wait, that isn’t even true. Maybe in, like, the early nineties people in England were cool, but the coolest person there now is, like, Mark Ronson, and he’s basically American. What does Gwyneth think is so cool about “people in England”?
They’re really laid back and calm. Beyonce did the school run with me once, and everyone was fine. They also have really good anti-paparazzi rules. If you’re driving in a car and they make you feel freaked out, that’s against the law. They can’t put you in a magazine unless they pixelate the kids’ faces.
Oh right, of course. As opposed to Americans, who just spazz out completely every time they see a famous person, and start panting and sweating and breathing their high-fructose corn syrup fumes all over you, like, “OH MY GOD you are the most exciting amazing beautiful person and meeting you is the one high point in my entire pathetic unexamined unremarkable life let me take a picture of you so I can cherish it and touch your hair ugggnngh” and occasionally get all overexcited and start trying to tip the car over like a gang of marauding chimps. Here’s a tip, Gwyn. Try bringing Robbie Williams or Jordan to the school run and see how that goes over.
Wait, that isn’t even true. Maybe in, like, the early nineties people in England were cool, but the coolest person there now is, like, Mark Ronson, and he’s basically American. What does Gwyneth think is so cool about “people in England”?
They’re really laid back and calm. Beyonce did the school run with me once, and everyone was fine. They also have really good anti-paparazzi rules. If you’re driving in a car and they make you feel freaked out, that’s against the law. They can’t put you in a magazine unless they pixelate the kids’ faces.
Oh right, of course. As opposed to Americans, who just spazz out completely every time they see a famous person, and start panting and sweating and breathing their high-fructose corn syrup fumes all over you, like, “OH MY GOD you are the most exciting amazing beautiful person and meeting you is the one high point in my entire pathetic unexamined unremarkable life let me take a picture of you so I can cherish it and touch your hair ugggnngh” and occasionally get all overexcited and start trying to tip the car over like a gang of marauding chimps. Here’s a tip, Gwyn. Try bringing Robbie Williams or Jordan to the school run and see how that goes over.
(Also, in case you missed it, Gwyneth is friends with Beyoncé, though she is secretly totally jealous of her.
Never ever, although she will try until the day she dies.)
Given that Gwyneth got so much negative attention last time she went on about how England was superior to America, and went so far as to say the quote attributed to her in a Portuguese newspaper about how British people were “more intelligent” than Americans was fabricated, it’s kind of odd that she’s going here again. Doesn’t she know we can *hear* her? Oh no, wait, she does, she just doesn’t care if people think she’s an out-of-touch, sanctimonious snob anymore.
That’s our Gwyneth. Totally selfless.
Gwyneth Paltrow In Harper’s Bazaar UK: ‘People Are So Mean To Me’ [HuffPo]
