As long as some MTA board members are mulling an official ban on food in the subway, we’d like to suggest some other, more overlooked aspects of underground travel worth eradicating forever. Granted, only a society without any regard for individual freedoms would create these rules, and only a security state of unimaginable omnipresence could actually enforce them. And in a bleak dystopia such as that, annoying subway behavior would probably be pretty far down on our list of concerns not that we’d even dare to possess concerns, lest we get shipped off to the government’s reeducation camp. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
1. Those groups of teens who shout “SHOWTIME! SHOWTIME!” and clear a space on a crowded train so they can break-dance Some of their moves are actually pretty impressive, but nevertheless, I can’t read a book and worry about being kicked in the face at the same time.
2. Jesus freaks Bonus demerits if you also have strong opinions about the Zionist control of the media.
3. Continuously staring at me for no reason Do I have something on my face? Do we know each other and I don’t recognize you? This is really uncomfortable.
4. Playing music without headphones or so loudly that we can hear it despite your headphones Oh good, some unexpected reggaeton, no one on the train thinks to themselves.
5. Falling asleep with your head back and your mouth wide open You look like one of the creatures from Beetlejuice.
6. Any ad containing an image of a grotesque body part Mixed messages: You tell me not to get on the train if I feel sick, then you stick a photo of a deformed foot in my face.
7. 9/11 Truthers It’s not fair that you’ve caught us in the one place we’re not capable of escaping. Of course, that is your strategy.
8. Clipping nails, wiping boogers on the wall, farting Basically, no remnant of you should be left behind when you leave the train.
9. Pushing someone out of your way prior to saying excuse me You’re doing it wrong.
10. Trying to make a seat out of a space that isn’t a seat Pretty sure your body is more than eight inches wide, but sure, go ahead and give it a shot.
11. Yuppie parents talking with their precocious kids about what they just learned at the museum Stop making me feel shitty about my childhood.