sex diaries

The Kinky, Horny 24-Year-Old Nursing a Major Crush

Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Kinky, Horny 24-Year-Old Nursing a Major Crush: female, marketing assistant, 24, Brooklyn, heteroflexible, single.

4 a.m.: Wake up with a pressing anxiety regarding new crush who hasn’t called or texted for a few days. The only way to go back to sleep is to watch an episode of House and masturbate twice (not at the same time).
2:33 p.m.: Keep spacing out during a meeting thinking about crush. If he doesn’t call by tonight I’m going to text him tomorrow. Even though I have initiated all contact, and that probably means “he’s just not that into me.” I’ll never learn. I keep having a flashback to one particularly intense sexual moment we had.

6:30 p.m.: I am restless. Texted recent date (who was cool to talk to but no real spark) to see if he wants to get a drink. He is tired, i.e. “not that into me, either.”
8:10 p.m.: Have interesting conversation with a guy friend about sex parties and the fetish scene that I’m involved in. He seems pretty intrigued, but this is what always happens. I’m like, “Oooh, look how ‘free spirited’ I am,” then they want to get in my pants. I am more than my vagina. I think.
11 p.m.: Unsparky has woken up and is down to go for a drink. I am going crazy with nothing to do so I consent. It will at least help me waste some dollars and give me a reason to sleep past 8 a.m. tomorrow. In the back of my mind I have some twisted fantasy about seeing my crush out and having an awkward moment that strikes that magic jealousy in him and in the end makes him realize how awesome I am. It’s totally possible that he just has a different need/style of communication and I’m freaking out over nothing.
2 a.m.: Actually had a pretty good time with Unsparky. I don’t think it’s that there’s no spark; I think it’s that he has no game, or maybe he’s too respectful to try to get into my pants? Because he’s actually pretty cute.

9:30 a.m.: I had a really weird dream about someone I dated sort of intensely for about a week a few weeks ago. We were at a party (not necessarily a sex party) and he was going to spank me. There were many extenuating circumstances preventing him from doing so. The dream wasn’t so much sexual as it was … frustrating and weird.
4 p.m.: Worked all day. Crush texted, said we should get together “soon.” Whatever that means. I’m kind of already pissed and over it since he thinks it’s okay to be all nonchalant. I also feel really stupid/embarrassed for getting so into him and kind of counting my chickens before they hatched.
8:15 p.m.: Fucked with some guido juicehead on my online dating site while waiting to finish up at work. He said I have “the smile of an angel that goes straight to my heart.” STRAIGHT TO YOUR PENIS? Anyways.
11:30 p.m.: Went to some (normal) party with two of my friends. Very cool atmosphere. Some Scene Kid is relentlessly hitting on me. Not sure how into him I am, but I like and crave the attention. I recently started doing my makeup differently … I think it’s having a good effect.

3 p.m.: Scene Kid visits me at work. We have a vague but somewhat interesting conversation. I think he’s intimidated by me. I feel an obligation to tell everyone who I meet romantically about my sex and fetish activities (sex parties, some pretty heavy BDSM, and a desire to probably not be monogamous with anyone anytime soon). But I don’t tell him yet. We do talk about sexuality a little bit.
6 p.m.: I have a date after work tonight. I have been dating a TON lately but not having that much sex. It’s a total reversal from my life before, where I would go to these parties of a sexual nature and have sex with three or four different people in one night, not even knowing most of their names. It was fun at first, but it takes its toll (physical and emotional) after awhile. These days I still go to certain parties, but mostly just with people I know and like to “play” with.
8 p.m.: Dinner date with P, someone who I have been out with a few times in the past few months. Met him at a sex party awhile ago, and we’ve played around a few times. We have fun, but I don’t know how much of a beyond-friends connection there is. We went to Boqueria and had some yummy stuff, then went back to his place and had some much-needed rough sex. The best part was when we were fucking really rough doggy style, and he reached around and pinched/pulled on my nipples so hard I almost said the safe word.

8 a.m.: P pays for my car home. I have really kind of become unhinged over this crush. I don’t usually like people in that way. I feel really stupid for falling for someone that quickly. Traditionally, I have been an ice queen. But I have another date tonight so … that will at least keep my mind off things?
4 p.m.: Workday is very blasé. I’m kind of hormonal (premenstrual) so I am incredibly horny. Not the kind where you want to masturbate. The kind where you want a nice big cock. But not too big.
10:23 p.m.: My date couldn’t be going worse. He’s only mildly attractive and way too ethereal and artsy for me. He’s also had five (or was it six?) liquor drinks while I’ve had two glasses of wine. He’s also unemployed. He keeps trying to explain to me the humor of the show we’re watching, which is so annoying. I’m trying to stay turned away from him so he will shut up. In addition, when I finally tell him about my lifestyle, he’s totally into it, but not in the right way. I’m not looking to be someone’s entry point into this or a novelty. Anyways, he walks me to the train and kind of forces his way to kiss me. I kind of just awkwardly say bye and sort of run away. I really wish he was cooler so we could have fucked!

11 a.m.: The crush finally texts me. He asks if I want to hang this weekend. I had pretty much accepted rejection, so now I’m kind of pissed. I don’t know what to do. But I do want to hang, at least to find out what the deal is.
6 p.m. Okay, I was supposed to have a date with Scene Kid tonight, but he backs out. I don’t really mind, but I feel like I don’t want to be alone right now. I used to be so independent, and now something has changed. I feel needy and like I want to be around people all the time. What has happened to me? I have to figure this stuff out because I hate feeling this way. So of course I go home and message about a thousand people on my online dating site.

9 a.m.: I have the hardest time getting out of bed today, and I end up being 30 minutes late to work. It doesn’t really matter, though. I have another date tonight.
12:12 p.m.: I hear from my forced-kiss date. What is it about the universe that brings you all the attention you don’t want?
10:43 p.m.: This date. UGH. First off, he’s really short. Not a huge problem since I’m short, but he doesn’t wear it well. He’s drinking girly drinks. I’m probably being too judgmental, but I just don’t feel it. Again, he treats my sexuality as a novelty. I don’t know what to do. If I don’t tell people, I feel dishonest because they should know what they are getting into. If I do tell people, I feel like 99 percent of the time they see only my sexuality.
11 p.m.: I go home and try to look at porn, but my Internet isn’t working too well. I start to masturbate, but I just don’t have the will to finish it off, which is very strange for me. I sometimes masturbate many, many times a day, but lately it has been tapering off to a few times a week. I think it’s because as I get older I want to enjoy the times I have with other people more, and I think that masturbating all the time takes away from that. I definitely have stronger orgasms if I don’t masturbate for a while.

10 a.m.: I have a voice mail (OMG) from crush. So I guess we are going to hang out this weekend after all.
7 p.m.: Have a discussion with a friend about why guys don’t call girls back anymore. Is it the hipster culture? One friend thinks it’s because this is the first generation where guys didn’t have to be married to be considered successful. I’m not sure, but it’s definitely a common syndrome these days.
10 p.m.: Get home and go straight to sleep. I’m really horny (as usual) but I have my period. I consider masturbating anyway, but then I would have to get up and wash my hands before I went to sleep, and I’m far too lazy. In retrospect, I feel better about the whole crush situation. I was having a stressful week so I guess my mind kind of just fixated on someone as a distraction. I’m feeling more like myself tonight. I guess (1) my lack of desire for bloody masturbation and (2) this realization must be a sign I’m getting older … Maturity?

TOTALS: two failed attempts at masturbation, one late-night because-I-need-to-go-back-to-sleep masturbation sesh, one session of kinky dirty sex the way I like it!

The Kinky, Horny 24-Year-Old Nursing a Major Crush