this week in fake presidential candidates

This Week in Fake Presidential Candidates

Hey, did you hear who’s maybe running for president? Everyone. At least that’s seemingly what each and every Republican politician wants us to think these days. And why not? Just say you’re “thinking about it” or “keeping your options open,” and the media will suddenly lavish attention on you as if you really matter. But not everybody does. Each Friday until the primaries truly begin, we’ll look at which of these prospective candidates are more likely or less likely to actually enter the race, along with a prediction of the likelihood that they’ll throw their hat into the ring. Excluded from this rigorous scientific analysis: any candidate we’re pretty sure is definitely going to run or has already announced it — guys like Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, and Herman Cain.

Photo: Steve Pope/Getty

  • Rick Santorum

  • 98%

We still have no idea why, but Rick Santorum says he'll officially announce his candidacy on June 6. By the time the primaries are over, he'll probably be the least successful candidate outside of Gary Johnson.

Photo: Mark Wilson/Getty

  • Michele Bachmann

  • 90%

Bachmann told reporters last night that while she reserves the right to not run for president (obviously ...), she would probably officially declare her candidacy in June in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. Yes, Waterloo.

Photo: Philippe Lopez/AFP/Getty

  • Jon Huntsman

  • 87%

Assuming his hideous yearbook photo doesn't tank his nascent campaign, Huntsman will be the media's favorite GOP candidate.

Photo: Kevork Djansezian/Getty

  • Sarah Palin

  • 55%

This looks like it could actually be happening. Palin certainly has a path — probably the only one she'll ever have — to the GOP nomination. But the only way she'd ever beat President Obama in a general election is if he's caught making out with Osama bin Laden.

Photo: Jemal Countess/Getty

  • Rudy Giuliani

  • 17%

Peter King claimed this week that Giuliani is "very close to saying he's going to run." That's intriguing, but actions speak louder than words, and Giuliani has done almost nothing so far to prepare for a run.

Photo: Ethan Miller/Getty Images

  • Buddy Roemer

  • 13%

Roemer has been driving around early-voting states in an RV nicknamed the "Roemermobile." When the tank runs dry, he'll probably just ditch the RV and hitchhike home.

Photo: David Becker/Getty

  • Donald Trump

  • 3%

Is Trump having second thoughts? "I can't rule out anything," he told Fox News on Monday, just a week after announcing he wouldn't run. Sorry, nobody cares anymore.

Photo: Mario Tama/Getty

  • John Bolton

  • 0.6%

John Bolton insisted this week that Israel must never return to its pre-1967 borders, and also that his walrus mustache must never breach the border of his mouth again like it did last night while he was eating ice cream.

Photo: Ron Sachs/Getty

  • Peter King

  • 0.1%

King has admitted that he's talking about running for president solely for the attention, dashing the hopes of the zero people who were taking this seriously.

This Week in Fake Presidential Candidates