Intel Chris Says Good-bye

Well, today is my last day at Daily Intel, and I must say it’s very difficult to imagine not being here. I’m off to edit, starting next week. When I started, almost exactly four years ago, Intel was just me and Jessica Pressler — and since The Cut and The Sports Section hadn’t been invented yet, we had to cover fashion and sports, as well as media, politics, business, and local news. (It wasn’t always pretty.) Blogging was (and is) a lot of work, but I was amazed to find that there was practically an infinite number of ways to make it fun. It helped that my colleagues were so brilliant, and it was also due in large part to the enthusiasm and oddity of our readers. One of our best-known features came to be our reality index recaps of that seminal New York TV show, Gossip Girl, which has moved to Vulture but which Intel Jessica and I still wrote through last year. I thought, on my last day, it might be fun to go through my time here and take a look at what was fake, and what was all too real.

Faker Than Intel Jessica’s Friendship With John Paulson:
• Nobody at Daily Intel ever actually had Ambien sex with Tiger Woods. Minus 5. (Minus another 1 for us failing to make Bryce Arminbottom a recurring character.)
• No matter what the Observer claims, young New Yorkers have not stopped having sex. Minus 2. They haven’t stopped eating, either.
• We never actually eavesdropped on Henry Kissinger and Sarah Palin. Minus 2. Nor did we phone tap Silda Spitzer and Hillary Clinton, or Hillary and Huma Abedin. And we didn’t spend Thanksgiving with Madonna and A-Rod, either. Remember when they were dating? It feels like that was at least three blondes and seventeen Latino studs ago.
• The coyotes weren’t really invading the city to become stars, or even hipsters. Minus 3. They just wanted some prime Tribeca real estate.
• We never did sell that Sex on Skates screenplay. Minus 1. Pixar, call us!
• The Sad Panda turned out not to be an actual panda. Minus only 2, though, because he was certainly sad.
• The city never imploded because of cold insane weather conditions, no matter how much we were convinced it would. Minus 10.
• Princess Chunk was a man, man! Minus 5.

Total: 31

Realer Than Intel Dan’s Love for Goatee Soul Mate Chuck Todd:
• I still do not have a puppy. Plus only 1, because I can’t bear to give actual points for this.
• While working here, I have developed an even deeper and more insane love for the city of New York. Plus 10.
• We got a shout-out on The Greatest Show of All Time. Plus 100. Apparently that’s what we get for putting a 14-year-old from the show on our cover — in her underwear. (I think we should take credit for that — it clearly became her thing.)
• I have had the chance to work with some of the most talented young writers out there, and I have felt incredibly lucky for it. Plus 30. (Thank you particularly to Intels Joe, Nitasha, and Noreen!)
• I got to watch Intel Dan grow from a fledgling intern turned blogger tormented by Sarah Palin to the wildly brilliant, incessantly funny commentator that he is today. (And who, incidentally, is still tormented by Sarah Palin but now has Michelle Bachmann to take away some of the pain.) Plus 30.
• I had the pleasure of working for a long time alongside Intel Jessica, one of the brightest writers and funniest profilers in journalism today. Watching her go from making up profile feeds for Lloyd Blankfein and photoshopping his face onto the body of an orc to actually sitting down with him for a rare profile with exclusive access made me infinitely happy. Plus 50, because who says vampire squids don’t have a sense of humor about themselves?
• We were accosted by monsters from the sea, although most of them were lovable. Plus 1.
• New York State legalized gay marriage, and I got to document it. Plus 100.
• I wrote something like 8,200 blog posts. Plus 1. Of those 8,200, I remember writing probably 500.
• Those birds are still out to fucking get us. Plus 10.

Total: 333

That puts my tenure well out of the fake realm, which is good because Daily Intel is, in fact, a news blog. In other words, it’s been real, folks.

Intel Chris Says Good-bye