The Columbia University football team has not won a game this season, a fact that has not escaped the notice of the Columbia University band, which has attended every game to cheer on the squad. Apparently they got sick of cheering and decided to mock the team instead. In a recent game against Cornell, the band changed the lyrics of the university’s fight song to, “Why do we even try? We always lose.” The athletic department did not find their honesty refreshing, and has banned the band from playing in this weekend’s match against Brown. The band’s manager issued an apology, and said, “We are disappointed that we will be unable to perform” … since we had the most awesome three-part harmony planned, with timpani backing and trumpet flourishes, on how fat the offensive line’s mamas are.