sad things

Mad Scientist Prevented From Building ‘Reagan Park’

After days of controversy, the man selling a vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood through PFC Auctions has decided to donate it to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation instead. “The publicity generated by PFC Auctions for their current Auction has clearly highlighted the importance of this historical artifact and I would personally be delighted to see this important artifact put on public display by the Foundation,” the anonymous seller said in a statement.

While the Reagan family is surely relieved, this development must come as a great disappointment for the auction’s high bidder, who had offered a whopping $30,086 for the presidential blood. Sources tell Daily Intel that he was a mad scientist who intended to extract DNA from the blood and grow an entire colony of Reagans on a remote tropical island. Visitors would have the opportunity to see the Reagans up close from behind an electrified wall, which the mad scientist claimed would be “un-tear-downable,” because, you know.

Mad Scientist Can’t Build Reagan Park