politispeak translator 5000

Translating George W. Bush’s Decision to Skip the GOP Convention

Former presidents typically attend their party’s presidential-nominating conventions, and they often even speak at them. But George W. Bush will do neither this year, according to his spokesman. Why? With the assistance of Daily Intel’s Politispeak Translator 5000, a room-size supercomputer guarded by 37 Navy SEAL attack dogs, we can determine the truth behind the bullshit.

What the Spokesman Said: “President Bush was grateful for the invitation to the Republican National Convention. He supports Governor Romney and wants him to succeed. President Bush is confident that Mitt Romney will be a great President. But he’s still enjoying his time off the political stage and respectfully declined the invitation to go to Tampa.”

Now let’s just run this through Ol’ Politispeak over here … bleep bloop blop bloop blorp bloop bleep 

What the Spokesman Really Meant: “President Bush really, really wants to go to the convention. It’s probably going to be an awesome party, and all his friends are going to be there. The thought of just sitting at home, watching it on TV, when he could be there in the thick of it, receiving a hero’s welcome, is killing him inside. However, President Bush understands that, despite the invitation, Mitt Romney wants to see him there about as much as he wants to see Human Centipenis — which is a gay porno based on Human Centipede — so he has grudgingly declined.”

Translating Bush’s Decision to Skip the RNC