but what about mermen?

U.S. Government Wants Us to Know Mermaids Aren’t Real

Not an actual photograph?!?!?!? Photo: Walt Disney Studios

Way back in 1776, America told Britain we didn’t need them any more. We celebrate that every year in early July, as you may know if you are at an office reading this while googling “where can i buy firecrackers ” or “red white and blue hotdog buns” or “smores, calories.” Anyway, Britain has still not gotten over it, which is surely why the BBC chose to run this bitter article, “No evidence of mermaids, says US government.” 

The National Ocean Service made the unusual declaration in response to public inquiries following a TV show on the mythical creatures. It is thought some viewers may have mistaken the programme for a documentary.

No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found,” the service wrote in an online post. […]

The article was written from publicly available sources because “we don’t have a mermaid science programme”, National Ocean Service spokeswoman Carol Kavanagh told the BBC.

She said that at least two people had written to the agency asking about the creatures.

What’s so funny about that, Britain? We’re just an inquisitive, hopeful people who believe in the power of myth and the possibility of the sublime. That’s what Fourth of July is all about celebrating. Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses who think the tee-vee is talking to them about real life fish-people. 

(OK, fine, Britain, it’s funny.)

Government Wants Us to Know Mermaids Aren’t Real