Yesterday, Paul Ryan paid a visit to his alma mater, Ohio’s University of Miami, and the media was on hand to ask the tough questions. Specifically: Where are the topless pixxx of the vice-presidential candidate? (It’s what the people want, as Google’s ever-seedy search recommendations can tell you.) Tim Sardinia, the president of Ryan’s old fraternity, Delta Tau Delta (apparently known in some circles as “Dorks That Drink”), reported that esteemed news outlet TMZ “wanted to know if I had any pictures of Paul Ryan shirtless.” Sadly, he does not. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t go around taking pictures of himself in the mirror,” Sardinia added.
We are much, much less sure about that. Ryan is the House authority on P90X which — for the uninformed and/or lazy — is “an intense 90-day workout routine and nutrition plan mixing elements of body-weight training, cardio, yoga and martial arts” that he has credited with keeping his body fat hovering somewhere between 6 and 8 percent. Maybe showing off the fruits of his labor could distract the crucial female swing state demographic from his desire to dismantle their reproductive rights? (Not to mention some of his other annoying qualities.) After all, this election season has been low on Republican politicians who look good in swimsuits.
Perhaps you recall this photo of spring’s conservative darling, Rick Santorum, which was somewhat ironically snapped by a passenger on an all-gay Atlantis cruise in March.
Then there’s this shot, which — despite a spokesman’s denials — was widely interpreted to be one of Newt Gingrich basking in the sun. (If it’s not, in fact, Gingrich, then it’s a very convincing doppelgänger who happened to be vacationing in Greece at the exact time he was.)
Of course, history has shown us some exceptions. (What’s up, Theodore Roosevelt?) Ronald Reagan was pretty in-shape during his acting days, and — like Ryan — his interest in fitness did not seem to wane as his passion for supply-side economics grew.
Meanwhile, there’s Ryan’s running mate — and apparent soul twin — Mitt Romney, whose wetsuit look is made all the more impressive by his (mostly) waterproof power hair.
And, just for good measure, here’s the competition:
We’ll go ahead and preempt charges of reverse sexism and distracting from the real issues by encouraging Ryan to settle the matter by releasing a photo or two. Otherwise, we have to wonder what he’s hiding.