All of Our Penises Are Shrinking

Rush Limbaugh is not compensating for anything in this photo. Photo: Harry Langdon/Hulon Archive/Getty Images

Oh my god, did you hear that Rush Limbaugh blamed “feminazis” for causing a decline in human penis size? Some Italian scientists apparently believe that the length of the average penis has decreased by 10 percent over the last 50 years and suggest pollution and obesity as possible causes, but Rush Limbaugh said it was the “feminazis”!!!

We do not care that Rush Limbaugh said something obnoxious, which we assume happens every single day on his show. What we care about is that penises are shrinking, according to the study he cited, which seems to only exist on ChaCha, so you know it’s legit. That seems like a way bigger deal than another unfunny Limbaugh joke. In fact, we’re grateful that he’s brought this concerning development to our attention. Someone needs to do something about the shrinking penises, right? The U.N.?

The silver lining, we guess, is that guys with small penises can now claim they’re simply “ahead of their time.”