imagined conversations

Inside Chuck Hagel’s Photo Session

Secretary of Defense - Charles Timothy
Chuck Hagel. Photo: Monica A. King

The Department of Defense released the official photo of new Defense Secretary and noted sad-faced person Chuck Hagel this afternoon. The following is a complete transcription of the photo session that produced the photo, courtesy of a Daily Intelligencer spy who was in the room at the time. 

Photographer: All right, Secretary Hagel, this should just take a moment.

Hagel: Very well.

Photographer: Now, give me a nice smile.

Hagel: [Makes slight frown.]

Photographer: Secretary Hagel? A smile?

Hagel: I am smiling.

Photographer: You are?

Hagel: This is a smile.

Photographer: Honestly, you look a little nauseous.

Hagel: This is my very best smile.

Photographer: Here, look at Leon Panetta’s photo. [Holds up photo.] His expression is clearly one of happiness. You can see his teeth.

Hagel: I have no teeth.

Photographer: Secretary Hagel, I know for a fact that you have teeth.

Hagel: You do?

Photographer: Yes.

Hagel: I would like to correct my earlier statement about not having teeth. What I meant to say was that I do have teeth.

Photographer: That’s fine. Now, go ahead and smile.

Hagel: [Makes slight frown.]

Photographer: You’re finally the Defense Secretary! You made it! Show everyone how happy this makes you!

Hagel: [Makes slight frown.]

Photographer: Got it, thanks.