Jamie Dimon Reveals Existence of Secret Money Lair

JPMorgan Chase & Co Chairman and CEO Jamie Dimon testifies before the House Financial Services Committee on Capitol Hill June 19, 2012 in Washington, DC. After testifying before the Senate last week, Dimon answered questions from the committee about his company's $2 billion trading loss earlier this year.
Photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

We can sense, intuitively, that all Wall Street banks must have secret, fortified underground lairs, in which they store gold ingots and hold secret meetings with Federal Reserve chairmen. Today, Jamie Dimon confirmed our suspicions, telling an audience at the South Florida Economic Summit about the hidden outpost from which JPMorgan Chase pulls the strings on the global economy.

We have a great room, I forget the name of it, it’s a money room, at an undisclosed location. It’s in Florida, but it moves, every day, $2-5 trillion around the world,” Dimon said, according to Business Insider. Dimon said he had just taken his board of directors to see the room, after which he presumably made them swear a blood oath never to speak of it again.

Clearly, we need to stage a DI field trip to find and document the existence of JPMorgan’s secret outpost. We’ll need rappelling gear, a GPS device, a couple of good flashlights, and a handheld saw. The Kickstarter campaign launches tomorrow.

Jamie Dimon Reveals Secret Money Lair