Rhubarb Lady: The Complete Transcript

Out of all the many roadside rhubarb disputes taking place on a regular basis across America, this one (which was posted to Reddit yesterday) has got to be the best ever recorded on video. There’s really nothing we can say about it that could faithfully capture its majesty, so just watch it. 

Rhubarb Lady: You Pinocchio fuckin’ nose — go mind your own business!

Fence Lady: Why don’t you?

Rhubarb Lady: Why don’t you?

Fence Lady: Why don’t you grow your own?

Rhubarb Lady: This is not your fucking property, go somewhere else!

Fence Lady: [Something something] my property 

Rhubarb Lady: Fuck you! Go mind your own business!

Fence Lady: NoooOOOO. You just don’t know what’s right and wrong, do you?

Rhubarb Lady: You’re a fucking whore!

Fence Lady: You like to steal.

Rhubarb Lady: You stick your nose in everybody’s fucking business — this is goddamn alley property, bitch!

Fence Lady: No, it’s not!

Rhubarb Lady: This don’t have your name on it. Where’s your name, bitch? Where’s your name, bitch? Where your name?

Fence Lady: Where’s my name?

Rhubarb Lady: Where’s your fucking name on this alley property, bitch?

Fence  Lady: Where’s yours?

Rhubarb Lady: This is anybody that wants to pick it!

Fence Lady: No, it’s not!

Rhubarb Lady: Yes, it is.

Fence Lady: Okay, if it’s anybody’s property, why don’t you come up here and mow it?

Rhubarb Lady: Because my lawnmower was stolen, bitch, by a fucking pig!

Fence Lady: Oh, yeah, right.

Rhubarb Lady: Yeah, you know the Iranian pigs around here that don’t steal? That’s who it was stolen by, bitch.

Fence Lady: So that’s why you’re so mad and you steal from everybody else. 

Rhubarb Lady: Oh, I asked, bitch. I asked three fucking places. They don’t answer their fucking doors!

Fence Lady: Did you ever ask my mom who—

Rhubarb Lady: This isn’t hers!

Fence Lady: Yes, it is.

Rhubarb Lady: Go to hell!

Fence Lady: No! You!

Rhubarb Lady: You don’t know how to cook anyway, so—

Fence Lady: Oh, are you videotaping?

Generally Quiet Camera Person: I’m videotaping.

Fence Lady: Oh, wow, we’re videotaping. You’re on video!

Rhubarb Lady: I don’t give a shit; this isn’t yours. 

Fence Lady: Yes, it is!

Rhubarb Lady: You don’t prove that yours. 

Fence Lady: Oh, yeah, I will!

Rhubarb Lady: Alley property, bitch.

Fence Lady: No, it’s not!

Rhubarb Lady: Yes, it is.

Fence Lady: No, it’s not!

Rhubarb Lady: Yes, it is.

Fence Lady: You know where the alley is?

Rhubarb Lady: Yeah, it’s right here. 

Fence Lady: Yeah, that’s—

Rhubarb Lady: Your fence is there, bitch! Go mind your own business!

Fence Lady: Ooohh no, uh-uh. 

Rhubarb Lady: Ugh, ugh ugh ugh. Mind your own fucking business; your fince not out here.

Fence Lady: My what’s not out here?

Rhubarb Lady: Your fence isn’t out here; mind your own business!

Fence Lady: This fence was put in here—

Rhubarb Lady: I don’t care. This isn’t your property, bitch! You wanna claim this and that house over there. This isn’t your property!

Fence Lady: Um, um, can I ask you something?

Rhubarb Lady: Bug off.

Fence Lady: Can I ask you something? See that, see that fenced-in area up there that has all the wood?

Rhubarb Lady: I haven’t been in that. And I don’t know what’s in it, and I could care less. This is not your property!

Fence Lady: No, no no. You see where that fence line is? That is—

Rhubarb Lady: I could care less. 

Fence Lady: That’s inside of this rhubarb. 

Rhubarb Lady: No, it doesn’t!

Fence Lady: Yes, it does!

Rhubarb Lady: This is alley property. 

Fence Lady: No! No, it’s not! 

Rhubarb Lady: Don’t try to claim everything in this alley — it’s not yours!

Fence Lady: NooOOO!

Rhubarb Lady: Go back inside!

Fence Lady: NooOOO!

Rhubarb Lady: This doesn’t bother you a bit. You got all that over there, so don’t fucking try to copy — you try to claim everything!

Fence Lady: You like to steal from people—

Rhubarb Lady: This isn’t called stealing!

Fence Lady: Yeah, it is!

Rhubarb Lady: Anybody could take, anything from take anything from [unintelligible].

Generally Quiet Camera Person: Oh, they’re comin’!

Rhubarb Lady: Go back inside!

Fence Lady: NooOOO!

Rhubarb Lady: You’re a fucking troublemaker. 

Fence Lady: No, I’m not. You’re the one who’s causing all the problems.

Rhubarb Lady: Yeah, you are. You came out here first — go back inside. 

Fence Lady: Oh no, you were out here first. 

Rhubarb Lady: You’re a troublemaker. 

Fence Lady: Stealing from my mom!

Rhubarb Lady: I’m not stealing! You call ‘em bitch! You call ’em!

Fence Lady: Sweetheart 

Rhubarb Lady: Call ‘em! Don’t call me sweetheart, honeybun. What are you, a fucking lezzie?

Fence Lady: Sweetheart.

Rhubarb Lady: Stay out of my business!

Fence Lady: Sweetheart.

Rhubarb Lady: Honeybuuun! Go back inside, bitch! Go back inside, whore! 

Fence Lady: Sweetheart, the police are coming. 

Rhubarb Lady: Go right ahead, I ain’t scared of them. I got relations in, er, police. Go back inside.

Fence Lady: NooOOO!

Rhubarb Lady: Go back inside! 

Fence Lady: You oughta know right from wrong.

Rhubarb Lady: Fuck you. Go back inside.

Fence Lady: NooOOO! I’m outside!

Rhubarb Lady: Troublemaking whore!

Fence Lady: Yeaaah!

Rhubarb Lady: Go back inside, have some coffee, you’re drunk as a skunk.

Generally Quiet Camera PersonOh, my God. Oh, that’s funny. 

Fence Lady: Oh yeaaah!

Rhubarb Lady: I wasn’t out here causing fucking trouble. 

Generally Quiet Camera PersonShe don’t even fucking drink, lady. 

Rhubarb Lady: Oh, yeah? That’s why you’re out here causing fucking trouble. 

Generally Quiet Camera Person: Dude, I was the first one out the fuckin’ door, so shut your goddamn mouth!

Rhubarb Lady: You shut your goddamn mouth! Why don’t you go back in there and lose some weight, you big fat ass! You don’t own this property!

Generally Quiet Camera Person: Why don’t you get a job?

Rhubarb Lady: Fuck you.

Fence Lady: Ooooh.

Generally Quiet Camera PersonBitch, touch me.

Rhubarb Lady: I will, you fat ass! 

Generally Quiet Camera Person: And then I’ll press charges—

Rhubarb Lady: You fat ass! You don’t own this shit.

Generally Quiet Camera Person: —on your goddamn ass. 

Fence Lady?: Give me a photo — that way we have proof. 

Rhubarb Lady: You go right ahead. You don’t own this shit.

Fence Lady: Oh, look, we have an audience watching this now!

Rhubarb Lady: Go right ahead!

Fence Lady: No, look! They’re down across the street!

Rhubarb Lady: You’ve given me fucking trouble before, bitch! 

[Two seconds of blessed silence]

Rhubarb Lady: You don’t own this shit!

Fence Lady: Neither do you!

Rhubarb Lady: [Talking to herself.] All she does is try to cause trouble for any neighbor she sees. You go right ahead, bitch. 

Generally Quiet Camera Person: Well, something needs to be done, because this is retarded. She tried to fuckin’ hit me. Now she’s leaving! Awesome!

Unclear: Follow her and find out where she lives.

Rhubarb Lady: Go right ahead, ‘cuz you’re not coming in there. Think you’re fucking big time?