neighborhood news

Would You Take This Sidewalk Peanut Butter?

On the way to work yesterday morning, on the sidewalk right outside his apartment in Brooklyn’s Sunset Park, Wally spotted this box of seemingly pristine and unopened reduced-fat JIF peanut butter. Take, the box beckoned, but Wally did not take, “Mostly because I don’t like reduced-fat peanut butter, and I’m sure there are people who could give it a better home,” he tells Daily Intelligencer. 

We have a feeling that most people, faced with just too many unanswered questions — like, “Where did this box of approximately two dozen unopened peanut butters come from?” and “Why did someone have so much extra peanut butter?” and “What if some pervert stuck his penis in each of these peanut butters and then resealed them all and put them out on the street and now he’s watching me from his window while laugh-crying?” — would also decline to take the peanut butter. But it’s an interesting sociological hypothetical.  

Someone did take the peanut butter, because when Wally returned home last night, the box was gone. I’m new to the city,” Wally says, “and the little things like this that happen every day feel like tiny rewards for leaving my hometown.”