The Absolute Moron’s Guide to Me Saying Good-bye

Pres. Richard Nixon raising hands w. trademark V signs in doorway of helicopter after leaving White House following his resignation over the Watergate scandal, 9th August 1974.
Photo: Bill Pierce/Time Life Pictures/Getty Images

After over six years at New York Magazine, this is my last day. For those of you who are not only slightly unsure about what this means, but thoroughly, unfathomably confused, I’ve put together this FAQ designed for absolute morons, one final time. 

I’m sorry, wait, what’s happening? I’ve been binge-watching Jersey Shore reruns for two weeks straight. It’s amazing the little subtleties you miss during the first six viewings.
Well, it’s time for me to say good-bye.

WHOA. Ronnie just punched a guy in the face! I’m sorry, can you repeat that?
Can you maybe turn that off for just a second?

I’ll put it on mute. Okay, go.
I’m saying good-bye.

Bye! Enjoy your weekend. See you Monday.
No, I mean I’m saying good-bye for good. This is my last post for Daily Intelligencer.

Oh, I see. You gonna knock some shit over and grab as many P’zones as you can on your way out? That’s how I quit my job.
We don’t have P’zones here.  

I don’t blame you for leaving then.
That’s not why I’m leaving.

No, of course. Partly though.
It has zero percent to do with me leaving.

What then?
Well, starting in January, I’m joining The Daily Show as a writer.

I don’t watch, it’s on at the same time as Long Island Medium. But congratulations. Remind me again — you started at New York Magazine as an internist, right?
No, an intern. An internist is, well, some kind of doctor, I’m not really sure.

Pretty sure I had to see an intern after I OD’d on P’Zones.

Will you make up your mind?
They’re two different things!

Look, you’re confused, you’re angry — let’s not fight on your last day. Tell me more about your time at New York.
I started out as an intern in the fall of 2007. Even though I had grown up on Long Island, I knew so little about the city that, pathetically, I bought a New York tourism guide book to familiarize myself with basic facts about the place I was now living and working in, and hopefully, eventually writing about. After my internship, I stayed on to compile our 2008 Electopedia, then managed the website’s homepage for about a year. Sleeping my way up the masthead — I firmly believe that getting a solid night’s sleep every night made me more productive — I started blogging for Daily Intelligencer. And I’ve been doing that for nearly the past five years. 

Wow, that’s a lot of blogging. You must have written, what, like, dozens of posts in that time?
7,723 posts, to be exact.

Right, dozens, like I said. I think my favorite post of yours was this one
That’s a video of a bear riding a bicycle.

Sorry, I meant this one.
Same video.

Well, anyway, you should have done that, it’s a great video. What about you, do you have some favorite posts?
Oh man. It’s really hard to choose/remember, but my favorite is probably the one about President Obama pretending to look interested during factory tours. I also really liked the video series where I translated what Kim Jong-Un said during various inspections across North Korea. Also this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, thisthis, this, this, this, this, and this.

Ha! Still thinking about that bear video. Anyway, I remember that when I quit my job, I was really glad to finally get away from my co-workers, none of whom ever showed appreciation for the sexts I sent them as thanks for constantly covering my shifts.
Actually, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have worked with the people I’ve worked with here. They are, objectively, the smartest, funniest, most creative, best-smelling people on the planet. I’ll always be grateful for the opportunity I had to—

OH DAMN. Ronnie just punched someone else.
You completely ruined that moment.

Sorry — you were saying something about P’zones?
Sort of.

Go on then.
In addition to all my brilliant co-workers, I want to thank all the readers for following along all these years. And in particular, I want to thank the commenters. They may be a little crazy, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of them are serial sex offenders. But they were quick to compliment me when I did a good job, even quicker to let me know when I sucked, and made me terrified of committing even the most minor typo or factual error. In short, they made the job more rewarding and made me a better blogger. And I hate to admit it, but they even came up with better jokes than I did sometimes. 

Sorry to get all mushy.

No, Ronnie and Sammi just reunited. 
I’m gonna go. 

Okay. Good night, and good luck, and good morning. It’s a famous line. 
I know. Thank you.