the sports section

Grandpa, Tell Us About the Last Time the Knicks Won a Game?

Photo: iStockphoto

Again? Oh all right

The year was two aught thirteen. The hot dance craze at the time was the “twerk,” not this ridiculous “laser thrust” you kids are doing now. The president was Barack Obama, serving his second term prior to being impeached for making peace with Iran. The exact date, in fact, is seared into my memory: November 13. This was before November was renamed BlueIvyember, you see. 

It wasn’t a special game, just an early-season matchup with the Atlanta Hawks — a hawk used to be a kind of bird, you see. Of course, we didn’t realize at the time that it would be the last time the Knicks would win for … well, I suppose it’s been six decades now. Oh, let me pause for a second, I need to take my pills. Thank you, Floating Hologram Robo-Nurse. 

After that game against the Hawks, the Knicks just kept losing — against good teams, against bad teams, it didn’t matter. Why, you ask? What caused the Drought, as they call it? Nobody really knows. Some say it’s a lack of ball movement. Others, an absence of team leadership. But neither of those things explains how the Knicks have gone winless over their last 4,000 games. If you ask your old grandpop, I’d say the Knicks are cursed because of the time James Dolan ran over that witch with his car, which he only revealed on his deathbed years later. A deathbed used to be a thing people died on, before we cured dying, you see. 

Anyway, it’s late, time to go to sleep. Tonight’s game? Oh, fine, we can check the score first, just to humor you. Ah, there, see? Knicks 87, Pyongyang Samsungs 103. 

Old Man of the Future Discusses Last Knicks Win