Welcome back to the new New York Magazine Competition. The best of last week’s submissions, including the winner, appear below this week’s call for entries.
It’s easy to play: On Monday mornings, we’ll lay out a challenge and offer a few sample responses. Give it your best shot in the comments section, or on Twitter with the hashtag we’ve provided, and on Sunday the editors will select a winner. Criteria are highly subjective, but heavily retweeted and favorited posts will have an advantage. The prize is a year’s subscription to New York in print or a two-year subscription to the iPad edition (winner’s choice). Full rules are here.
COMPETITION NO. 6: BANAL HAIKU. Please submit an uninspired poem in the classic five-seven-five syllable structure. For example:
The cat knocked over
Our Christmas tree. Water spilled.
The presents got wet.
Parallel-park man
Forgets to engage his brake.
The car is not safe.
A Seinfeld rerun
Airs at 11 p.m.
I like that Kramer.
Post your submission in the comments below, or on Twitter with the hashtag #banalhaiku.
RESULTS OF COMPETITION NO. 5: DARK CAROLS, in which you were asked to name Christmas songs with an unfestive nature.
Popular entries: “Let It Blow.” Molly for jolly. White supremacist Christmases. The Twelve Days (and Steps) of various bad things. “Do You Fear What I Hear?” “Rudolph, the Crackhead Reindeer.“ Lots of “balls” for “bells,” and little bummer boys. O Come All Ye Everything. And everyone’s stoned for Christmas!
HONORABLE MENTION TO:
The Holly and the I. V.
SantaCon Is Coming to Town
— Kellen Leon-Atkins @KLeonNapkins
Police Navidad
— Dennis Donathan @woodychapel
Do You Smell What I Smell?
Santa Claus Is Coming Too Fast
— DUKE84
Frackin’ Around the Christmas Tree
— NDESQ
Ar-rest These Dark-Skinned Gentlemen
— DC10001
Hark, the Herald Angels Swing
— RPRADA
Joy Does the World
I’ll Be Under the Dome for Christmas
Do You Hear What I Hear (Voices in My Head Remix)
— KICKS
I Saw Three Thickes (Come Sailing In)
Come, they told me, because YOLO.
Soylent Night
While Shepherds Stroked Their C0cks
Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Herpes
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like the War on Christmas
Feliz Nazidad
— 77BC
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus and Told Dad and then Christmas Ended With a Murder-Suicide and I Had to Go Into Foster Care
— FOOFFOO
AND THE WINNER IS …
WHOSE CHILD IS THIS??
