the national interest

Susan Patton, Tom Perkins Announce Trolling Merger

Photo: David Paul Morris/Bloomberg via Getty Images ; CNN

Last year, one of us, Susan Patton, sparked an outcry among liberals by writing a provocative letter to the editor urging young Ivy league women to focus on landing a husband in college. More recently, the other, Tom Perkins, sparked an outcry among liberals by writing a provocative letter to the editor comparing the plight of contemporary American billionaires to that of the Jews in Nazi Germany. We have now decided to combine our efforts.

Our trolling merger is a response, first of all, to the increasing challenges of provoking continuous liberal anger in the modern media environment. Both of us have managed to leverage the ancient, low-cost platform of the letter to the editor into a successful national message. Yet the very ease of this method requires us to constantly up the ante. Yesterday, one of us had to float a plan to give rich people extra voting power, while today, the other has had to resort to shameless Valentine’s Day exploitation of single female insecurity (“What are you waiting for? You’re not getting any younger, but the competition for the men you’d be interested in marrying most definitely is.”) Ending this destructive competition could create fantastic new synergistic possibilities.

Skeptics may wonder how we can merge our distinct messages into an integrated troll. In fact, our worldviews already had far more in common than meets the naked eye. Patton’s anti-feminist trolling, while focused on promoting retrograde gender dynamics, carries a strong whiff of economic elitism. Perkins, when not defending the rights of plutocrats, has authored a novel about a sexy billionaire eagerly pursued by nubile young woman, a fantasy that runs quite close to Patton’s own romantic ideal.

Our combined efforts will warn against the efforts of fascistic liberal overlords to deny wealthy men access to hot young women. Our forthcoming book will furnish straight talk about sex, gender roles, and wealth. We’ll forthrightly discuss how the most successful empires in human history, from ancient Rome to the Mongol Dynasty, furnished their most successful men with ample concubines. We’ll issue a bracing call to arms against liberal envy at their financial and sexual success, which has fostered a terrifying backlash whose only logical endpoint is a Hitler-esque campaign of state-sponsored persecution. Our working title is First, the Feminazis Came for the Billionaires.

We anticipate our trolling merger will be met with enormous financial success because, above all, the marketplace invariably rewards merit, and our ideas wouldn’t have attracted so much attention in the first place if they weren’t brilliant.

Patton, Perkins Announce Trolling Merger