The world’s most famous public urinator, this week, is 18-year-old Dallas Swonger of Portland, Oregon, who was watched in security footage by nearly 200,000 people on the official pdxwater YouTube channel. In addition to the public humiliation and police citation, Swonger is being blamed for the city having to dump 38 million gallons of water. He swears it’s not necessary.
“I didn’t piss in the fucking water,” Swonger said in a star-making interview with Vocativ. “I leaned up against the wall and pissed on it. Right there on the wall, dude. I don’t know else how to describe it.”
You be the judge:
“When you see the video, he’s leaning right up because he has to get his little wee wee right up to the iron bars,” explained local Water Bureau boss David Shaff. “There’s really no doubt what he’s doing.”
“Even though there is very minimal public health risk, the bottom line is that our commitment is to serve water that’s clean, cold and constant,” he added. “That doesn’t include pee. Not from people, at least.”
Even so, “it’s fucking retarded, dude,” said Swonger. “Like, how they can do that? How can they be like, ‘Yeah, we’re gonna flush all that water.’ Dude, I’ve seen dead birds in there. During the summer time I’ve see hella dead animals in there. Like dead squirrels and shit. I mean, really, dude?” He’s not wrong.
“Everybody thinks it’s funny and a joke and I’m going to be on the news,” he added. “It’s no fuckin’ joke, dude. I don’t want people thinkin’ that Dallas is dumb ass because he pissed in the fuckin’ water. In our drinking water. Yeah, that’s fucking awesome. I mean, wouldn’t you be pissed about that?” This is how teenagers do remorse. He’s sorry, okay?