New York Competition No. 31: If Every Company Were Apple

Welcome back to the New York Magazine Competition. On alternate Mondays, we lay out a challenge and offer a sample responses. Enter in the comments section, or on Twitter with the hashtag we’ve provided, and the editors will select a winner. Criteria are highly subjective, but heavily retweeted and favorited posts will have an advantage. The prize is a year’s subscription to New York in print or a two-year subscription to the iPad edition (winner’s choice). Full rules are here.

COMPETITION NO. 31: IF EVERY COMPANY WERE APPLE. Please envision other companies’ product launches on the Apple model. For example:

General Motors: Slips into every Buick owner’s garage and puts a Nickelback CD in the trunk.
Kellogg’s: Each new cereal box is half an inch taller than the old, requiring new pantry shelves.
Oscar Mayer: Design chief, in 12-minute video, expounds on jewellike fat flecks in iBologna+.
Levi’s: Cloud-based pants! They almost never vanish without warning.

Enter in the comments thread on’s Daily Intelligencer, or on Twitter with the hashtag #ifeverycompanywereapple, by October 1

RESULTS OF COMPETITION NO. 30: NOTES HOME FROM SCHOOL, in which you were asked to compose a teacher’s letter to the parent of a familiar student.


Dear Mrs. Boehner,
The plant lights in the Science Room are missing again.

Dear Joseph and Mary,
Due to complaints from other parents, I’m afraid we’ve had to cut Jesus from the swim team.

Dear Mrs. Cleese,
During our fire drill, as students were instructed to walk out of their classrooms in an orderly fashion, your son was quite disruptive.

Mr. and Mrs. Oakley,
Please remind Annie of our zero tolerance policy.

Dear Ms. Gaga,
Stefanie wore her lunch at school again today.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Sandberg,
We are referring Sheryl to posture class.  

Dear Ms. Soetoro,
In compliance with state laws, please provide us with a copy of Barry’s birth certificate so he can attend school …

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Rodham,
Hillary broke the glass ceiling again.

Dear Mrs. Goodell,
Please inform your son Roger that beating up a female classmate does in fact warrant a longer detention than smoking in the boys room.

Señora Picasso,
We recommend you take your son to have his eyes tested.

Dear Ms. Weiner,
We need to talk about “show & tell.”


Dear Mrs. Fudd,
Perhaps you haven’t noticed …

Competition No. 31: If Every Company Were Apple