today in police reports

Two Fake Skeletons Found Having a Tea Party in the Colorado River

And here we find the fake skeletons, resting at the bottom of the river for eternity. Who put them there, and why? What do the skeletons think about as they sit watching fish? Why do they not escape? What are humans, but fake skeletons doomed to waste away in lawn chairs underwater for the rest of time? Photo: La Paz County Sheriff

Who knows what a nameless man hoped to find while snorkeling in the deep waters of the Colorado River?

Gold. Glory. Himself.

Unfortunately for our young nameless man, he did not find any of these things. He only found two fake skeletons having an underwater tea party. 

He did not realize that the two fake skeletons wearing sunglasses and holding a sign that said “Bernie livin’ the dream in the river” in lawn chairs strapped onto boulders were not real skeletons extending their social time into the afterlife when he called the Le Paz Sheriff’s Office to report them on Monday. 

A diver from the Buckskin Fire Department went to check out the scene, and quickly realized that the whole thing was an admirably planned prank by who knows who. Authorities have reached the reasonable conclusion that the scene is supposed to pay homage to the 1989 film Weekend at Bernie’s, and that the skeletons have been able to peacefully watch fish at their exclusive tea party since August 16, 2014, the date on the sign. 

This is not the first time fake skeletons have managed to make more work for sheriff’s offices. In 2012, a fisherman in the Florida Keys spotted a skeleton sitting in the captain’s chair of a sunken ship. The authorities, called to inspect it, soon learned it was fake. A man speeding in the HOV lane on Interstate 5 in Washington was pulled over, and a police officer quickly learned that he shouldn’t have been using the lane in the first place, since he was the only thing that had ever breathed in his vehicle. The fake skeleton in a white hoodie next to him didn’t even look that convincing.

The sheriff’s office in Arizona, having already used quite a bit of resources to determine that there are not dead bodies reveling in the Colorado River, does not plan to launch an investigation into finding the person who put them there. However, they may put the skeletons outside the sheriff’s office after they are recovered. 

We like to show some things that are fun, some levity too,” Lieutenant Curtis Bagby said. “But in the meantime, don’t think it’s OK to go put something there.”

Two Fake Skeletons Found in the Colorado River