trump cards

Trump Explains Why Rubio Is ‘Weak Like a Baby,’ and Other Hits From His 95-Minute Rant

Donald Trump Holds Campaign Rally In Iowa
“Thanks Iowa, you’ve been a stupid crowd.” Photo: Scott Olson/2015 Getty Images

In the past few months, Donald Trump has had a meteoric rise, going from being a ridiculously unhumble businessman and TV personality to an even less humble presidential front-runner. But it’s hard for entertainers to stay on top for long, and there are already signs that Trump is about to be replaced by his younger, crazier, and more outsider-y rival, Dr. Ben Carson.

Trump seems increasingly distressed by his waning popularity, and on Thursday night, he tried a notoriously desperate move: releasing a “greatest hits” album. Technically, Trump’s appearance in Fort Dodge, Iowa, was a speech, but with the candidate disjointedly bouncing from one tirade to another, it felt more like Now That’s What I Call Trump, Volume 1.

Of course, Trump played all the hits, including “America Doesn’t Win Anymore,” “Journalists Are Scum,” and “What’s Wrong With ‘Anchor Baby?’” But there was also plenty of new material, covering Trump’s recent meditations on bombing ISIS, Marco Rubio’s weaknesses, and the stupidity of Iowans. We were even treated to a very special performance in which Trump acted out Carson stabbing a relative in the belt buckle.

Here’s the full treasury of Trump:

You’ll definitely want to spend some time taking in this masterpiece, but here’s a rundown of the best tracks:

I Love My Fans (No Homo)”
As Trump recaps his feud with Macy’s, a fan shouts “We love you Trump!” The candidate says the feeling is mutual (sort of): “We love you too! Even though you’re a male, I still love you. Never been my thing, but I still love you.” (40:30 mark above)

Throw the Book at Them, Literally”
Twenty minutes into his speech, Trump asks the crowd if they like his new book, and tells one of his supporters to hand him his copy. It’s basically the Trump version of fans throwing their underwear onstage. He holds on to the book as he rants about Karl Rove, General Patton, and why he’s not smiling on the cover of Crippled America. Finally, he autographs the book and throws it back saying, “Here you go baby, I love you.” (59:08 mark)

Fox Business Network Debate Recap”
Trump hits back at critics who called his work in Tuesday night’s debate “low-key.” “I’m screaming at Kasich,” he says. “I’m telling Carly whatever the hell her name is … Fiorina, ‘Will you stop cutting in?’ … Kasich, ugh, I have a headache from this guy!” (1:01 mark)

Tell Me Why (These People Are Still in the Race)”
Trump never got a chance to shout down the candidates in the undercard debate, so he shared a ditty he’d been working on about George Pataki. “Why do these people stay?” he muses. “George Pataki. He’s got nothing! He was a terrible governor of New York. He couldn’t be elected dog catcher … and he’s running for president again and again, then he didn’t even made the child stage two days ago and I hear he’s still not quitting! He’s got zero chance. And I know him, he was terrible.” (1:08 mark)

Don’t miss the hidden bonus track, in which Trump reminisces about that time he gave out Lindsey Graham’s phone number. “It was actually quite funny,” he remarks.

The Plan”
Trump opens up about what will happen to ISIS when he’s president: “I would bomb the shit out of ‘em. I would just bomb those suckers. I’d blow up the pipes, I’d blow up the refineries, I’d blow up every single inch, there’d be nothing left.” (1:28 mark)

Sexist Musings on Hillary Clinton.”
Trump’s take on the female empowerment ballad: “She’s gonna run, she’s gonna be the candidate, and she’s going to lose, I’m telling you. Because people are sick and tired of watching what’s going on … They’re sick and tired of her, with her whole big attitude. And she’s playing the woman card. That’s all she has. Honestly, outside of the women’s card, she’s got nothing going, believe me. She’s playing the women’s card, big league.” (1:48 mark)

Poker Face (Marco Rubio Doesn’t Have One)”
In which Trump warns America that they shouldn’t even think about having a fling with Rubio: “Nice person, weak on illegal immigration … like, weak like a baby. Like a baby. Not a good poker player, because every time he’s under pressure he just starts to profusely sweat. If he was playing poker with me, I’d say ‘Ah!’ The water would start pouring off his body.”

Trump prepared for this track earlier in the day during an interview on CNN, when he told Erin Burnett that Rubio “wants amnesty” because he is Hispanic. “He was always in favor of amnesty, he was always in favor of letting people pour into the country,” he added, “then what happened is, when people found that out, he sank like a rock in the water.”

Why Don’t You Love Me?”
In this unconventional remix of the Beyoncé hit, Trump spends a full nine minutes demanding that the people of Iowa explain why they’re leaving him for Ben Carson. “Now Carson’s an enigma to me,” Trump says. “He wrote a book, and he’s doing great in Iowa. He’s second in the polls. With all these professional politicians, I’m first, Carson’s second. And I don’t understand it. I really don’t understand it.” (1:55 mark)

The tirade includes a showstopping reenactment of Carson’s stabbing anecdote, in which Trump steps away from the podium and flips his belt up and down. “So I have a belt: Somebody hits me with a belt, it’s going in because the belt moves this way. It moves this way, it moves that way,” Trump says. “He hit the belt buckle. Anybody have a knife? Want to try it on me? Believe me, it ain’t gonna work. You’re going to be successful, but he took the knife and went like this and he plunged it into the belt and, amazing, the belt stayed totally flat and the knife broke.”

Earlier on Thursday, he went on CNN and compared Carson to a child molester. “I know it’s in the book, that he has got a pathological temper or temperament,” he told Burnett, a depiction that many have condemned for relying on racist stereotypes. “That’s a big problem because you don’t cure that. That’s like, you know, I could say, they’ve say you don’t cure — as an example, a child molester, you don’t cure these people. You don’t cure a child molester. There’s no cure for it. Pathological, there’s no cure for that.”

He concludes, before the audience full of Iowans, “How stupid are the people of Iowa? How stupid are the people of the country to believe this crap?”

No matter what happens in the next year, at least we’ll always have this anthology to help us remember that time a man tried to make America great again by yelling at it.

This post has been updated throughout. 

The Best of Trump’s 95-Minute Rant Compilation