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And on the 8th Day, the Lord Said ‘Let There Be a 3-D Virtual-Reality Bible’

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy Google Cardboard. Amen. Yesterday, a company called Bible-VR announced it was taking the scriptures into 2016 with a new virtual-reality app. The company says the app will work with multiple headsets, including Google Cardboard, and will include video shot in Israel and Morroco to give “realistic 3D simulations and perceptions of the Bible in the lands where it happened.”

From Bible-VR:

Imagine the feeling of walking in the manger during the birth of Jesus, or being next to the Hebrews, as they cross the Red Sea with walls of water menacingly close while being chased by the vengeful Pharaoh’s chariots.

And while those Bible stories sound pleasant (even if they are dredging up all of my repressed nightmares of eight years spent in a plaid skort at Catholic school), here are a few other stories we think would make excellent fodder for an immersive VR experience.

Genesis 38

And you thought VR porn was the future! Get your Old Testament vibes on and watch as Onan, the second son of Judah, has sex with his dead brother’s wife to maintain the family lineage. But Onan changes his mind and at the last minute decides not to seal the deal. Instead, Onan is then killed by God for “spilling his seed.” The perfect story for scaring your kids out of masturbating.

Kings 2

Have you ever wanted to get up close and personal with bears as they maul 42 children to death? This one is for you. So the Bible says, some kids called the Prophet Elisha a “baldhead,” so he cursed them in the Lord’s name. And then two bears appeared and “tore” (read: murdered) the children for mocking Elisha. Be the bears! Be the children! Be the prophet Elisha and watch lovingly rendered realistic 3-D child gore!

Judges 3

The original your momma so fat, this tale features a man named Ehud who’s chosen by God to fight the fat King, Eglon, who has taken over Israel. Ehud visits Eglon, telling him he has a message from God to deliver. Except the message is actually just Ehud whipping out a sword and stabbing Eglon in his gut. The sword, with Eglon being so fat and all, is never seen again.

Exodus 4

God decides to kill Moses because his son is uncircumcised. Fortunately, his wife saves the day by promptly slicing off their son’s foreskin and placing it lovingly atop Moses’ feet. Fun for the whole family in 3-D.

1 Samuel 18

More foreskin fun! David wants to marry a woman named Michal, but her father, Saul, wants something in return: 100 foreskins in 24 hours. To really show his love, David kills twice as many men, collects what he needs from them and returns to Saul who gives Michal to David. And they all lived happily ever after, except for the 200 dead guys with missing foreskins. Think of the immersive experience!

And the Lord Said ‘Let There Be a VR Bible’